PHILADELPHIA—“Introduction to Geology” professor Graham Stone was stunned yesterday after a student with a “spotty at best” attendance record dropped his intro–level rocks class.
“It was the start of a normal Tuesday for me, when I logged on to Blackboard only to realize that my class count had gone from 157 to 156. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t see this coming at all.”
Stone, just happy that another human was listening to him, continued, “I mean sure, he missed my class a few times and sure, he sat in the last row, but there was nothing else to indicate he wouldn’t be sticking around. This just came out of nowhere.”
Jane Goldblum, a college sophomore who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said that during this Wednesday’s class, Stone was disheveled and appeared to be out of breath, exasperatedly asking the class, “Why has he done this to me?”
Another student reported that Stone then singled out those who “appeared to be on the fence” and interrogated them accordingly.
“He asked me if I was ready to make a commitment to rocks,” said College sophomore Bernadette Minx. “He said I looked unsure when I answered and then asked me to ‘just go,’” she added. “It was all very bizarre.”
College senior Dan Tithers described a similar scene. “After Wednesday’s class, Prof. Stone cornered me and asked me if Jon had mentioned anything about the class and told me to tell him to respond to his emails. He smelled like licorice.”
Stone justified his actions. “I just believed there was still a chance to convince him to think about taking one of my more advanced rock classes. I assured him there would be field trips and stonings (that’s our lingo for Geology department raves). I think there’s a chance he’ll reconsider.”
Several sources confirmed that after dropping “Intro to Geology,” Jon was seen in the back of a Thursday “Survey of the Universe” lecture.
“Oh, I saw him alright and he seemed really happy curled up back there. He even cracked a smile when the professor made a Milky Way pun. We try not to take ourselves too seriously here in the astronomy department. I don’t think he’ll be going anywhere anytime soon,” said one Survey of the Universe T.A. with a wink.
“How does the solar system hold up its pants?” the T.A. then asked, trying her hardest to keep from laughing. “With an asteroid belt!” she quickly belted out. One student laughed.
“You know, we’re a pretty goofy bunch here in astronomy,” she said, with her voice trailing off near the end of the sentence.
As of press time, Jon was still registered for ASTR 001. Though judging by Jon’s past trigger–happiness with that drop button, there’s just no telling what he’ll do.
