Much like metrosexuality, cigarettes and face kissing, Tuttle—the Castle moose head—is an integral part of this fraternity. Located above the fireplace in Castle’s living room, Tuttle has become the fraternity’s token American bro. Despite his antlers and inability to speak, hundreds of drunken Penn bitches have kissed Tuttle’s juicy lips and rode him with the fervor of an engineer riding a Razor scooter down Locust. Despite the fact that he has never attended a Castle Downtown, his status as the most sceney work of taxidermy on campus has gained Tuttle a reputation as a most prestigious elevated surface. In fact, last Spring Fling, all the ladies grinding up on Castle’s most American brother caused him to fall into the party. Luckily, no one was injured, and with a little superglue and a can–do attitude, the brothers returned Tuttle to his perch.
Composites aren’t just ways for you to pass time at frat parties with your friends by pointing out which guys from 1993 were, like, so totally bangable. Composites are decoration, composites are informational, composites are life. At least, according to one female freshman in 2009, the ZBT composite was. For those of you that don’t remember, the girl was seen fleeing the ZBT house a few years ago with the large picture. She would have gotten away with it, too, if she hadn’t been caught dragging it up the ramp at Wawa because she wanted mac n’ cheese. We feel you girl, that mac n’ cheese is worth it.
Guarded with the fervor of the Mona Lisa, President Obama and North Korean speech is a fratty treasure belonging to the brothers of St. Anthony’s Hall. Buried deep in the frat library behind fifteen Barbour jackets, this frat’s most prized possession lies: a letter from Ronald Reagan, written to one of The Hall’s most esteemed members, E. Digby Baltzell, best known for coining the term “WASP.” Rumor has it that the former president praises Digby as the archetype of an American male. And not in vain: these brothers strive to preserve Digby’s legacy, dedicating their time off the links to guarding the relic and discussing how hot Ann Romney looks in a button-down, albeit her failure to fulfil the acronym’s “P.”
*Due to a double–headed security threat posed by 34th Street and the brothers’ Yom Kippur celebration, Highbrow was unable to view the letter, but this is what we imagine it would look like.
Although the Olsen twins do not attend Penn, our social scene is dominated by an equally lively set of identical twins, Russell and Noble...the cement lions outside of SAE. The brothers of SAE put their artist talents to use by painting Russell and Noble to match the theme of their upcoming parties. Arguably feeling emasculated by having their composite stolen by a freshman girl, the ZBT brothers took revenge and attempted to pilfer the iconic statues; however, they only dug a few feet beneath the lions’ den before they were discovered by the SAE brothers.
