LOCUST WALK—A Penn campus sorority is in shambles after what sorority president could only call “an unprecedented disaster.”
This past Sunday, an emergency chapter meeting took place at the Delta Delta Delta house to discuss the sorority’s future after Tri Delta sister–for–life Tonya Stein–Dietrich reportedly snubbed fellow sister–for–life, Jessica Hunstman.
At Sunday’s emergency caucus, the first in Tri Delta’s 127–year history, Huntsman accused Stein–Dietrich of “blatantly ignoring” what Huntsman described at the stand as a “very cheerful and extremely heartfelt good morning.”
“I was walking to Van Pelt via Locust, enjoying not only the fresh air, but also the campus buzz, when I unexpectedly spotted a fellow sister walking toward me,” Huntsman stated on the record to a divided chapter house.
“I was filled with pure delight to see her, especially after Tonya and I made eye contact not more than a few seconds later. I was very excited.” Huntsman added.
What Huntsman claimed happened next, has shaken a sisterhood to its core.
“As Tonya approached me I waved my hands in the air, let out a squeal and shouted ‘Good morning, Tonya!!’ Not only did Tonya ignore my good morning, but she stared the other way, brushing right by me.”
Several Tri Delta sisters described the mood in the chapter meeting following Huntsman’s accusation as “pure distress.”
“I couldn’t believe what I was hearing,” said Tri Delta–for–life and College junior Kiki Whethers. “I felt so much grief for Jessica, I wanted to make her a card out of pink construction paper immediately.”
While many sorority sisters have rushed to Huntsman’s side, a countless number of sisters have pledged their support for Tonya, leaving a house split.
“I’ve known Tonya for a long time, three months to be exact, and I KNOW that Tonya would NEVER EVER EVER do something even resembling this,” said sophomore Tri Delta Maci Peters. “I love my big!! BEST LIN EVER!” Tonya’s little excitedly added.
Several witnesses to the alleged snub were also called to the chapter meeting on Sunday to help clear the haze of controversy. “Tonya was clearly not in a state to receive a good morning,” said pre–law witness Martin Finklewitz, “not only was she taking a call from a prospective employer, she was also eating a bagel — with a heavy amount of shmear I might add.” Another witness, who wishes to remain anonymous though if she had to be identified said it would be alright to identify her by her middle initial A., tells a different story. “No, I didn’t see a cell phone or a bagel. Though I wasn’t really paying attention.” A. said in a tone that suggested she’d rather be at an Owls Brunch or a trendy Downtown. A third witness sought to set the record straight.
“It was a snub if I’ve ever seen one,” said sophomore pre–med Mimi Magoo. “Tonya clearly stared in the other direction — to the point that it looked like she was actually experiencing a small amount of pain her neck.” The final witness declined to speak at the meeting and was reportedly there only for the light refreshments and “tiny cupcakes” that were to be served following the caucus.
“What happened on the Walk that day is still unclear has put our sorority’s future in serious jeopardy” said Tri Delta president Jill Pullitzer.
“I’m not sure if we’re going to be able to recover from this. It’s pure chaos.”
As of this printing it is still unclear whether or not the sorority will host its annual French Toast Dinner, a highly anticipated night for all breakfast–for–dinner fans. “There are some things that syrup can’t fix,” a Tri Delta sister said, “and I think that a snub might be one of them.”
