PHILADEPHIA—Senior Rebecca Goldsmith is in a state of panic today after “yet another” job offer has filled her inbox.
Goldsmith, a Wharton student concentrating in Finance, reportedly “nailed” every single interview during OCR, all 82 of them.
“I just didn’t plan on it going like this! I don’t do well when things don’t go according to plan!” Rebecca yelled while raising her hands in the air as if she was about to exclaim “why God!” but stopped herself short because she professes no belief in a higher authority.
“I haven’t slept in days,” she added. “There are just too many of them.”
Though it was difficult to find friends for comment, those close in proximity to Rebecca say the 22–year–old has been acting “much stranger than usual."
“Rebecca doesn’t usually leave her room, aside from her regimen of baking banana bread every night around midnight,” said suitemate Su Lu. “I haven’t smelled banana in at least two weeks—something’s just gotta be up.”
Suitemate Fiona Chug offered a similar concern. “I caught a glimpse of her room yesterday and the floor was covered in unopened envelopes reminiscent of that scene in the first Harry Potter movie with all the letters. Gah… I just love Harry Potter,” Fiona said, seemingly reliving her childhood with that last sentence.
When asked if she was going to make a decision anytime soon, Goldsmith began to tear up and asked us “is it too late to transfer to the College?”
As of press time, the world's smallest violin was playing ever so softly in the background.
