Ok, so she’s not just a homeless woman, she’s my homeless woman, Tanya. My relationship with Tanya goes way back. Last year I bought her a phone card, and we’ve been in love ever since.
After my loyal friends went downtown without me, I meandered down Locust, drunk and wearing men’s shoes. I thought the only way to salvage the night would be abducting a stray cat and teaching it to love me. Then, I spotted Tanya’s familiar countenance begging on Locust.
Inebriated and wearing shoes much too big for me, I was comforted by Tanya’s presence. Tanya and I popped a squat on Locust and had a heart–to–heart. I explained to her that I was ready to pull an Emily Dickinson and settle for a life writing poetry alone in my attic. And she explained to me that she has a kid she cannot support financially. Naturally, like any generous Penn betch, I wanted to Venmo her just like I Venmo my drug dealer. Unfortunately, Tanya does not have an iPhone and doesn’t know what Venmo is, so instead I gave her $40 in cash. I know it sounds crazy to try and Venmo a homeless lady… but in my defense, Venmo is the easiest way to pay your friends and it just so happens that my friend is homeless. Sorry I’m not sorry. And what else was I going to do with the money? Adopt an orphan in Cambodia? No. I would’ve used it to buy two long islands at Whisper, Rumor, Azure or one of the other downtown wastelands.Also, Tanya calls me every weekend to see how I’m doing and to ask if I’ve found shoes. This weekend she called to inform me that if I ever need a bodyguard, she’s got my back. So, creepy boys trying to grind up on me at the frats—watch out for my homeless bodyguard. Tanya knows where you live.
