DO: Eat cereal out of a solo cup when you run out of clean bowls. They’re watertight and good at controlling portions, so maybe your freshman fifteen won’t be all Lucky Charms.
DON'T: Eat it straight from the box. You might think you can down a pound of Cheerios in one go, but all you’ll end up with is a cardboard box left soggy with spilt milk and tears of shame.
DO: Hoard various fruits and some orange juice from the dining hall to make a fruit salad. If it’s refrigerated properly, you can stop relying on GummyVites for balanced meals.
DON'T: Try to “spice it up” by pouring in that half handle of Banker’s rum you stole. Bananas, grapes and oranges soggy with crap alcohol won’t mask the taste of ass, and all those vitamins, minerals and antioxidants won’t do much good splattered on the floor.
DO: Attempt to make grilled cheese sandwiches with a clothes iron and some aluminum foil. Take a picture and send it to your mom, dad, aunties, uncles, etc. with a desperate/pitiful caption of your choice. Dance in the ensuing rain of care packages and extra food money.
DON'T: Try anything else food–related with a clothes iron. Warming a toaster strudel—bad idea. Cooking any meat—terrible idea. Frying an egg—your lack of common sense is only outpaced by the number of times you were dropped on the head.
DO: Keep some top–shelf peanut/almond/cashew butter around at all times. Your roommate’s stash of granola bars just got a lot more appetizing.
DON'T: Be a slob and leave crumbs/butter smears/greasy fingerprints. Unless of course you want your already tight double to become a lot more crowded.
DO: Experiment with your microwave further than just popping a couple bowls of Orville Redenbacher’s best. The internet (and this issue) are full of creative options that probably don’t suck.
DON'T: Cook bacon with your microwave. The heavy, greasy smell will linger in your sardine–can–sized double for weeks. Even if that’s actually an improvement on its current smell, you’re sure to give your vegan and vegetarian neighbors an aneurism.
