Street, like our distant cousin the Daily Pennsylvanian, would like to take this opportunity to welcome you to Penn. For those of you who don’t know, I’m Miss Cassandra and I will be your weekly source of advice for anything you may need to navigate through your time here. I might be a bitch, but I’m your bitch. It's time to purge your minds of the DP's letter — I'm here now and I won't share the spotlight. DRL? Football games? Score cards? Sure, if these things interest you then by all means go ahead and toss your toast–loving hearts out, but these quintessentially freshman activities are not the be all and end all of your frosh experience. The point of college is to do whatever the fuck makes you happy, but please stop posting in the Penn 2017 group. You want to SWUG Life it up already and go out every weeknight with your fake ID? Be my guest. You want to spend every Friday in your dorm watching Netflix? You do you. You want to spend your nights waiting to be mentioned on Penn Compliments? You’ll need more friends. Although, I will give each of you this advice: try everything once, especially attending a toga party. The great thing about Penn is that there’s an opportunity for all of you little wierdos. I don’t care what you do. Just do something. But don’t be one of those freshmen that waits outside Commons for it to open. Nobody wants to be that person. I can identify one extracurricular you want to be involved in, though. You want to have sex. Well, you’ve come to the right place. You know I love sex. Not only are you thirsting for knowledge at this fine institution, but you’re also thirsting for some late–night loving. One of the great things about Penn is that you get to play adult for a few years before you actually have to be an adult. Get weird on your Twin XL bed with your equally inexperienced peers. Congrats. But please, I know you’ve heard it from your school nurse, your mom, and “16 and Pregnant,” but I am now telling you to always be safe and always be respectful, you fucks. No one wants to be that betch breastfeeding in econ class. And Penn does not fuck around with non–consent. STIs aside, my advice to you is to take a chance and go outside your comfort zone (read: position); one time, that’s all I’m asking. If you don’t like it, you wasted a night you could have spent doing something else. Like getting wasted. But if you do, you’ve opened up a whole new world of possibilities and friendships. Don’t be that senior wheeling a rolling backpack down Locust wondering how you spent four years in a Van Pelt carrel. Put yourself out there. You’re in for the ride of your lives.

More Like This