So I had anal sex last night and kind of, like, ripped my anus. What do I do?
My god, boy, get it together. I almost have a problem believing this is a real question. Almost. The truth is, it’s pretty easy to rip our anuses, especially if you are the adventurous type. Hopefully you don’t have any 3-hour classes or long bike rides coming up, because, unfortunately, after you rip it, it’s just kind of ripped until it heals. Don’t have anal sex until it is fully healed, that’s a given. You can get a topical cream for the pain, but it will stain your pants, and I cannot think of anything less ladylike or just plain embarrassing than ass stains. Instead, here are some tips to not rip your anus again. One, lube is your best friend, especially when it comes to anal. Like not just a lubed condom (I am looking at you, straight boys), literally a bottle of lube. This will protect against dry, skin-to-skin contact. Also go slow. Tops, don’t ram it in. It will just not feel good for your partner, and they will tell everyone tomorrow how you don’t know how to have sex. Follow these tips and maybe you can eat spicy food again. Maybe.
When will I find my Prince Charming?
Never. Girl, if you’re waiting for Prince Fucking Charming, you’ll be waiting for a long time. I’m not saying to settle—you should have standards for a guy you want to date—but there’s a difference between having standards and upholding an idealistic view for a guy who isn’t real and whom you’re never going to meet. Step one in finding a marriageable man? Stop looking for Prince Charming, and start looking for a guy who holds the same values as you do and can have a real conversation with you. The thing is, you can’t just find a man. There is no man store, and you can’t just look in aisle three. If it were that easy, we would all be married by now. Mama always said be yourself, and that’s a good rule. Other than that, get the stick out of your ass, you’ll meet someone eventually.
How do gays guys decide who’s the top and who’s the bottom?
You see, first they have a swordfight with their penises. Don’t be fooled, the one with the bigger weapon does not always fare better in this phase of the mating ritual. After the battle, the two aggressively wrestle with their mouths. The winner is the top, and the loser is the bottom. After mating, the top rips the bottom’s head off and eats it, like a praying mantis. Are you serious? Who’s top and who’s bottom? Is this middle school? It comes pretty naturally, and most gay guys like doing both. Grow up.
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