1. Aggressively avoid eye contact.
2. Sweat profusely. No undershirts. (Undershirts are meant to cover up the fact that you have no spine.)
3. Place damp, trailing toilet paper under the heel of your left shoe.
4. Laugh. You have such a nice laugh. That’s why your friends do your laugh with you. They want what you have.
5. Begin noticing verbal and physical tics immediately before an interview and overcorrect them during the interview. Your eyelids are droopy. Open your eyes WIDE. Hold it. Keep holding… perfect.
6. Tell the truth.
7. Ask your interviewer to open your briefcase. That’s when the wire–spring snake jumps out and gets him. A–BOYOYOYOING! Classic. Interviewers love vaudevillian humor.
8. Draw attention to how profusely you are sweating in a failed bid at self–awareness.
9. Pack a lot of pens in your briefcase.
10. Wear groucho glasses and claim you are not you but actually your secret twin sibling who has furtively murdered the real you on the walk over from the waiting room to the office chair.
11. Fart in the office and draw a lot of attention to it. Discuss your food cart lunch and slowly wave your hand in front your nose, back and forth.
12. If you are a man, cry. No one knows how to socially handle a grown man crying. Don't think of it as whining, think of it as winning.
13. If you get stuck on a question, stick with it, refuse to move on and shut down before admitting defeat. Interviewers will admire your determination and grace.
14. Studies show that who you are when you are young is a better indicator of who you will become. Exclusively talk about your middle school extracurricular activities.
15. Employers love students who have a good working knowledge of the law. Talk about how litigious you are.
16. Now that you have successfully sweated through your shirt, tell your interviewer that you are embarrassed and need to change your shirt. Your interviewer will give you permission to leave. This is a test. Stay. Then, take off your shirt and open your briefcase. You will have packed a spare white dress shirt inside. If done properly, all of the pens you packed will have exploded and your shirt will be riddled with ink. Put this shirt on. Your valor will be admired.
17. If things are not going well, abruptly put your outstretched hands on either side of your head and shake vigorously. Then stand up, run around the room and yell, “I am the king! I am the king!” The interviewer will yield to your authority. The job is now yours.
