You have somehow been wrangled into spending this Independence Day with the whole fam. This usually takes the form of a backyard BBQ. Engorging yourself on hot dogs, hamburgers, and flag-colored cake will soon be followed by you (under-21ers) sneaking Coronas to chug in the corner with that one cool cousin you have. You will also likely be carted to some subpar fireworks at dusk. 'Murica?
The Country Fourth
Camping in some remote area with friends! You will get trashed and take too many pictures in your obnoxious flag bikini and jean shorts/flag swimtrunks. The fireworks that you and your friends brought to set off yourselves most definitely will not work, but that's okay you can all just sing along to "Proud to be American" one more time and then pass out five feet away from the tent you spent two hours trying to set up correctly (it still is not set up correctly).
That-friend-from-high-school's Party Fourth
I mean it's not like you have anything to better do, so I guess Johnny's basement and the same subpar fireworks from the family BBQ will have to do. This fourth is usually accompanied by reminders of why you hated high school and strong feelings of gratitude that you will be returning to Penn before the end of next month.
The College Party Fourth
THANK GOD someone invited you to a party on a college campus. Expect excellent 4th of July drinking games, good times, bad barbecue, and great profile picture options (cute outfits AND patriotism I mean HELLO). This Fourth will have you singing the praises of your country for a long time coming (...hopefully).
The Foreign Fourth
While there is acknowledgement of the holiday abroad, actual celebrations are few and far between. You will likely feel a sense of nostalgia for the obnoxious amount of red, white and blue garb your fellow Americans will be sporting at home. And probably for the absurd binge drinking, which some foreign languages don't even have a word for (here's looking at you, Spanish).
The Beach Fourth
Yay! The beach on the fourth of July! So fun! Until you're reminded that going to the beach on the fourth of July is sort of like going Christmas shopping on December 23 and having enough space to breathe/move is hard to find. Also, dat traffic. Make sure to get out there early in the week and leave late. Shorelines do know how to put on some good fireworks, though.
The Philly Fourth
You're in the city for the summer, and naturally are excited to attend Wawa's famed Welcome to America festival (because Wawa can do no wrong). You gather everyone you know and pre game and/or hop on some public transit with suspicious water bottles because beer WILL be overpriced downtown. You arrive and are reminded just how free the concert is by the HOARDS of people on B. Frank Parkway. You almost pee yourself waiting in line for a port-a-potty. Then Demi Lovato will restore your faith in the world as she belts out Heart Attack and you drunkenly screech the lyrics. The Art Museum fireworks will also be worth it. A good overall experience will be had by all, but a reluctance to return the following year will settle upon you.
The Generic US City Fourth
Similar to the Philly Fourth but slightly less awesome. From Fireworks on the Charles to the Capitol Fourth in DC, overcrowding is guaranteed. You will probably be drunk, belligerent, and waiting in a long bathroom line. But the most important thing to remember about this holiday of patriotic grandeur and debauchery is that it's not really about where you are but the people you're with. So throw on that star-spangled thing that you bought just for this and will wear only time and HAPPY 4TH, Y'ALL.
