Raise your hand if you're already schwasty (our hands are raised). Fling has flung, as has our integrity. We're too drunk for this. Just… just read.
One Bloomer and one Sphinx got pretty wild this past weekend when the pair decided to dress up in matching zebra onesies. Unfortunately, one mare tripped while galloping for no apparent reason and fell at the feet of a frat bro, bloody and bruised (quick joke: What's black, white and red all over? This bitch! Cue laughter). The dumbfounded dude asked the injured horse if she was okay, to which she responded "Of course, I'm a zebra!" Not one to be corrected, the bro retorted "No, you're a gazelle. RUN GAZELLE RUN." Regardless of the actual species, the Circle of Life goes on. And it moves us all.
During a protest against post–marital sex, two Mask & Wig brethren got a little feisty when a group of pre–frosh walked by on a tour. The brunette boy called out his red–headed comrade as a negative "product of post–marital sex." Little did the hilarious duo know, they had offended another red–head: a meek high schooler visiting Penn with his mother, guilty of post–marital sex herself. The guests were so unamused that they went as far as to complain to Penn over the malicious slander. Quaker Patrol was sent to issue the Wiggers a cease and desist.
With all the pre–frosh and family members visiting campus this past weekend, there were bound to be more than a few DFMOs. One newly–minted fraternity brother set his sights on a pretty young maiden at his initiation party, unaware that she happened to be 14 years old. The two proceeded to "French kiss" and successfully pass first base! Let's just hope she took out her retainer beforehand.
At a Bistro la Baia BYO, a group of Penn sorority girls engaged in friendly banter with a large crew of Drexel students. All was well amidst the Franzia and chicken piccata until it was time to get cabs… that's when the Dragon claws came out. Using their superior intellect, the Quakers headed upstream to flag down the taxis before the Dragons. As the Red and Blue sped away, the Drexelites spewed "You're going nowhere in life!" To which the Quakers responded "You go to Drexel"
