HAY GURL! Wasn't SB'13 like, ah—wait for it—MAZING? My tan like totally faded since I left PC/PV/Jamaica/New Jersey, but the memories will last forever. Except for all those times I was blackout. I took like FOUR shots. Anyway, how was your trip? Did you get with anyo—OH. MY. EFFING. GEE. Have you heard what happened? Wait, let me tell you…
The Theos Villa Party in PV was pretty uneventful this year. JOKES. Not ones to be outdone, the boys made sure their day party rose above those of their fellow PV McMansions. While partygoers were treated like Mexican royalty, their poor feet received plebeian treatment. First came the sea urchins, afflicting some tootsies with painful venom. Then came the glass shards at the bottom of the pool, sending one poor Theta to el hospital. Speaking of glass shards, one APES bro was so blackout that he broke through one of the villa's glass doors. The crowd took offense to this and booed the gorilla out of the fiesta, after which he wandered aimlessly through Mexico. The boy was safely returned to his brethren by concerned Kappas from Michigan, who recognized him from the APES PV tanks. Where can we get one?
APES shenanigans continued in PC, when the brothers headed out with SDT and TriDelt for a night on the town! After encountering the gender–neutral bathroom and lack of females, the boys knew something was awry. It wasn't until the rubber–clad male dancers came out that the group realized they had accidentally wandered into a gay bar. Cue Rihanna. Na na na come on!
But that's not all the action the DR saw last week. Your Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman made an appearance at a popular club, descending from the ceiling at random points and shooting webs at random patrons. Just thinking about it now makes our Spidey Senses tingle. Or maybe we're still buzzed. Yeah, definitely still buzzed.
One more international tidbit before we head back home. A group of former Nipple dwellers showed how close they were by doing a spring break trip together… that is, until they decided to leave behind one of their own. Highbrow hears that one girl left her passport and student visa back in Rodin, preventing her from leaving the DR with her beloved freshman hall. We're confused as to how she got there in the first place. Thankfully, the Nipples banded together to get their exiled comrade her papers and bring her safely home. Take that, Ben Affleck. Argofuckyourself.
Now for some homeland gossip. Two junior girls spent their break in Las Vegas, strutting their stuff at the blackjack table AND the dance floor. After meeting up with two older gentlemen, one girl was given the Ryan Gosling treatment and lifted into her man's arms. Little did he know that Aunt Flow was paying a visit, and the girl had neglected panties that night. The high roller woke up the next morning and found a mysterious red stain on his $160 shirt, which he attributed to make–up. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, except for your menstrual cycle.
And for those of you who spent your breaks right here at Penn, never fear! We didn't get forget about you, or your antics at Smoke's this past weekend. Aside from an invasion of middle–aged mothers cougar–ing on young Quakers, a massive brawl broke out between drunken passengers of the Erin Express. Bouncers ignored the situation, perhaps because they were enjoying the attention of the drunk moms. It wasn't until one St. A's bro intervened that the fight came to an end. No, we're being serious right now.
