EXPECTATION: Your spring break will be just like Kelly Clarkson’s and that jewfro guy’s in “From Justin to Kelly” (2003)—romantic, musical, and sharp cheddar cheesey.
REALITY: Wait, how much does that plane ticket cost? And your parents need you to watch your teenage sister while they renew their wedding vows in Dededo, Guam? Might as well call you Anne Hathaway, ‘cause you’re “Les Miserables” (2012).
EXPECTATION: You’ll fly down to an expensive tropical resort, fall in love with two total hotties, “overcome everything and understand the true meaning of sisterhood, along with having a great vacation.” Okay, we stole that last part from the “Holiday in the Sun” (2001) Wikipedia page.
REALITY: Let’s be honest: you’re spending your break lying on your bed on your stomach, watching baby videos while simultaneously playing a game of Bubble Pop in another window. The most taxing thing you’ll do is watch “The Challenge” (2003), which everyone knows is the worst Mary-Kate and Ashley Movie.
EXPECTATION: You’ll enter a talent show and because you’re either Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch, or Parker Posey in “Spring Breakdown,” you’ll inevitably be the coolest thing ever.
REALITY: There are no winners in talent show performances. Your borrowed Zumba moves are more “Napoleon Dynamite” (2004) than “Dirty Dancing” (1987).
EXPECTATION: Like in “Where the Boys Are,” (1960) you’ll discover that the most important person to love, no matter what others say or do, is you. Your body is a temple!
REALITY: Your body’s more like Morgan Spurlock’s McDonald’s experiment gone wrong in “Supersize Me” (2004). Those cruise buffets were not kind.
EXPECTATION: Even though you have a major case of helicopter–parentitus, that still won’t stop you from finding true love. Bonus points if that true love is Elvis Presley, ala “Girl Happy” (1965).
REALITY: Unfortunately, you got stuck with the old, fat Elvis. Count your blessings—you could have met eyes with Marlon Brando circa “Apocalypse Now” (1979). The horror! The horror!
EXPECTATION: Not only will you hang out on the beach in your Not-Safe-for-Disney-Channel bikini, you'll work for one of the most feared drug dealers in Miami. The girls in "Spring Breakers" (2013) will wish they were you.
REALITY: Your crimes are more akin to the DIY toy traps in “Home Alone” (1990) than dealing heroin.
