Freshman Year: –Smoke weed in the caves beneath Riepe.
–Steal decorative vegetables from the dining halls.
–Get a pre–Fling fake from source other than IDChief (RIP).
–Steal a shopping cart, ride it down the Quad hallways, DGAF if you’re written up.
–Swipe in upperclassmen friends to dining halls because you WILL have 50+ meals left over come May.
–Continue to DFMO whenever possible, comfort yourself that there’s plenty of time left to find a husband.
Sophomore Year: –Burn that bridge with your friend you’ve started to hate. It won’t be awkward next semester if you’re both abroad! Bonus points if you’re going in the fall and she’s gone in the spring. BOOM.
–Try to make it to the fling concert this year.
–Stash your fling alc in your old quad room.
–When it gets warm, make your grand return to Penn Park after avoiding the schlep since its opening in September 2011.
–Panic about being halfway done and still single.
–Have your little purchase all your Starbucks iced drinks with his/her dining dollar$.
Junior Year:
–Get internship, because like, it actually matters this year.
–Get your tan on once it gets sunny. No one wants to be pale for Hey Day.
–Start sanity–threatening countdown ‘til graduation. Only like 525,600 minutes!
–Try to avoid succumbing to online dating as your hopes of husbandry fade.
–Ready your extracurricular and social life to be eligible for Ego of the Week next year...!
Senior Year:
–Finally do the deed under the button and/or pee on Ben Franklin while tourists are on him.
–Wear fling gear from the past three years. Refuse to buy anything new. Spend money on more drinks instead.
–Brag about being “bored” as a part-time student. Look for alternate ways to “spend all your free time.” Go to Smokes mid-day a lot.
–Reconcile with your freshman year roommate. Feign nostalgia for a simpler time of sharing a 10 ft. x10 ft. space.
–Decide it’s too late to find a husband at Penn. Resign self to graduating alone. DFMO whenever possible.
