PRE–SHOW

Take a drink if:

• Quvenzhane Wallis brings her puppy purse

 —Someone asks her if she’s figured out what an Oscar is

• Jennifer Lawrence says something adorable and self–deprecating (example:

“chubby fingers,” that she’s geeking out about other celebs, etc.)

—She talks about her dress malfunction at the SAG Awards

• Ben Affleck is asked about his directing snub

• Anyone mentions Twitter, tweets–per–minute, or “trending”

 —Take a shot if you get all three in one sentence!

• Someone mentions the 2011 Oscars hosted by Anne Hathaway and James Franco

• Someone is confused by the “mani–cam”

• Someone says it’s just an honor to be nominated

• Someone’s bowtie is askew

• Someone trips on their dress or has trouble getting down the stairs

• Ryan Seacrest pretends to know the name of a star’s plus–one

• The E! women insist upon talking about their own outfits and prep time

• A nominee arrives 5 minutes before the red–carpet show ends

 

OSCARS 

Take a drink if:

• Seth MacFarlane looks stiff and uncomfortable on stage (use your best judgment—example: head–bobbing)

—He smiles through a punch line

—He makes a Nazis or Hitler joke that somehow references Christoph Waltz or Michael Haneke

• Seth MacFarlane sings

  —Take a shot if: someone from the audience joins him

  —Take another if it’s Anne Hathaway

• Someone thanks Harvey Weinstein

—Take a shot if: someone alludes to his famously intense campaigning

• Seth MacFarlane makes a joke about being an Oscar–nominee, just like

insert–name–of–famous–director–here

—He makes a face when his name is read

—Take a shot when: Ted shows up!

•Seth MacFarlane does an impression

—Finish your drink if: it’s Stewie!

• Adele’s voice cracks, but you love her anyway

• Anyone mentions the ages of Emmanuelle Riva and Quvenzhane Wallis

—Take a shot if: someone wishes Riva Happy Birthday!

• Someone mispronounces Quvenzhane Wallis’ name

• A presenter thrusts her leg through the slit in her dress, à la Jolie

• Anne Hathaway does a Taylor Swift–surprise face

  —Finish your drink if: she cries!

• A loser resentfully smiles to camera

• Someone mentions Russell Crowe’s less–than–stellar singing in Les Mis

• Someone mentions the general god–like quality of either Spielberg or DanielDay–Lewis

• The orchestra plays someone off

 —Keep drinking until they stop talking

• Someone references Tommy Lee Jones’ infamous curmudgeonly face

—Take a shot if: they pan to him and he’s laughing!

—Finish your drink if: he isn’t!

• Seth MacFarlane makes a joke about a celeb, who does not laugh

• A winner says they didn’t prepare anything

• Anyone mentions Meryl Streep

• Someone says “Argo fuck yourself!”

• Someone makes a Bigelow–Cameron joke

—Take a shot if: it’s better than the one at the Globes!

• Someone mentions Jodie Foster’s “coming out” speech from the Globes

• Someone hits on Bradley Cooper

• Someone mentions the controversy surrounding Zero Dark Thirty

—Take a shot if: it’s during a too–political acceptance speech

• Someone forgets to thank the Academy in their speech

• Every time you don’t recognize someone during the In Memoriam montage (try to keep up!)

• Take a shot if: there is a legit upset in any major category