U–City Jewish Eats and Treats Emporium: 1 in 4 students at Penn is Jewish, and let’s be real — the Kosher selections in Philly are very limited, especially on Penn’s campus. The “Emporium” will have all the Kosher schnitzel and falafel you can eat and has menorahs and mezuzahs aplenty. This isn’t even a joke. This is just smart business.
Mighty Munchie Palace: For the tokers and pot smokers among us. The MMP would open at 5 p.m. and not close until 6 a.m. the next morning. It has every munchie your heart desires: brownies, cookies, fries, burgers, pizza, chips, etc. Paradise, if you’re into gorging yourself after smoking pot.
A Liquor Store: Seriously, please, just... come on.
A Starbucks: Starbucks is everywhere these days, except for the western side of campus (not counting the “Starbucks” in Commons.) How about some love for the Beige Block and high rise kids? We need caramel machiattos and actually toasted bagels too!
A bunch of drug dealers: Everyone knows that the Philly Diner was just a giant, elaborate drug front. Why bother hiding it? We’re all about honesty.
Mega Mirrors: Its walls would be made exclusively of mirrors, creating the optimal place to check yourself out before class.
Another Chipotle: Sure, there’s already one on the same block. But we Penn kids just can’t get enough, amirite?
A Philly Diner: It was actually really nice having a 24/7 diner that didn’t look down on you for ordering chocolate chip pancakes at 3 a.m. Just don’t make it suck this time.
