Sadly, our parents couldn't make it this weekend — primarily because they do not love us. So we decided to have them, as repayment for skipping out on the most important weekend of the year, write our Lowbrow section for us this week. To repeat: Our parents really, actually, legitimately wrote this stuff.
Lizzie on her parents:
My father, Larry, is the funniest person I know. This chess master, boxer–puppy enthusiast,and former comedy writer resides in Seattle, WA and continues to write comedy routines for me (which I do not ask for) — most notably, a weirdly Jewish– and lesbian–centric comedy routine he wrote for me in an email that he does “not recall sending.” Here’s an excerpt: “Hey, I’m Lizzie Sivitz! That’s Li–z–z–i–e –– Si–vi–tz. If you count the Z’s in my name, yeah, you’ve got it, you may have already won a medal in the Jewish Olympics.” And, “No, I was not on dope. I had ‘inhaled’ only two Tequila Sombreros. I say, ‘Fuck the ‘Too Large’ Splash award!’ The party sombrero fit me pure and simple! I was there to make a statement…on behalf of the Czech Republic…and on behalf of lesbians everywhere. (Big Laugh)!!” There’s no joke that you’re not getting because you don’t know me — it just really does not make sense.
10 Things That Strike Me As Funny About Penn.
by Larry Sivitz,
(father of Lizzie Sivitz, Seattle, WA)
1. Walnut and Chestnut are thematic street names? So why no Brazil Nut or Macadamia Nut? Would be easier to remember. Like, “My daughter lives at the corner of Pistachio and Pecan!” Why no puny Peanut for low–rent housing or top–drawer Cashew for luxury apts? More salt! 2. Yep, my father, sister and two daughters all went to Penn. Me? I can’t even find a parking space! 3. Funny, Ben Franklin was an early riser! My daughter usually sleeps until around 10! 4. Sansom buildings seem ripe for corporate naming sponsorship from Samsung or Samsonsite. Challenge: Architecture reminiscent of an early Soviet high rise. 5. I have visited Philly a great many times and STILL have not seen or met Terry Gross. 6. Why don’t all food trucks deliver? I mean they are already on wheels! C’mon! 7. Wharton School “building within a building” reminds me of a King Tut exhibit. Is this a business school, or a lost civilization? 8. I love the fact that if you miss the freeway exit while driving into town, you’re in another state. 9. The new Law School was actually constructed faster than my organic luncheon order at White Dog Café. 10. Cobblestones laid my shocks and struts to waste.
Note: After he sent this to me he followed up with this email: “Are you doubling over from uncontrollable fits of laughter from my “Top 10 Funny Things About Penn” list.
What can I say?! It’ s a gift!!
– Dad”
My mother, Susan, could not be reached for her contribution. She was at a dueling piano bar with her friends. I was in bed writing this and calling her repeatedly. She is obviously much cooler than me. To get her back for having a better social life than I do, I’m going to publish this photo of her looking way overexcited.
Faryn on her parents:
My parents, David and Anne Pearl, are wonderful, loving and completely supportive of me, despite what you are about to read. David is an engineer–turned–businessman who wrote for the DP as a columnist way back in the olden days. His column was called “Pearls of Wisdom,” a punnerific title that, in my opinion, sets the gold standard for journalism. Anne Pearl is a former nephrologist and a regular contributor to College Confidential. He is a hoarder and she is an extreme couponer; in other words, they are the perfect match. They spent their wedding night in a hospital because David was severely allergic to the bouquet, poor guy. They now spend their time at their home in New Jersey drinking, watching TV (well, David does; Anne usually just plays solitaire on her phone) and worrying about my inevitably bleak future.
THIS IS ANNE AND DAVID’S CONTRIBUTION:
So what will your daughter be after college? A doctor? A lawyer? Investment banker? College is a wonderful place where you are free to explore your interests. Unfortunately, when you are interested in movies, theatre and art, your exploration may not end up in a career. No, after four years at a top Ivy League institution, which costs enough to purchase a couple of houses in much of the country, our brilliant daughter will graduate with the skills and experience enabling her to obtain the unpaid internship of her choice. That is, if she beats out the other 500 similarly qualified applicants.
Just as Willy Wonka’s father warned him about chocolate (in the Tim Burton remake), we told her that, “Classical Studies is a waste of time.” But she insisted on running away to Penn. And again, just like Wonka, we too told her, “Go ahead, but we won’t be here when you return.” Okay, we just cleaned up her room so it’ll be nice when she gets back, but we really hope she will have the means to find her own apartment.
Our parents, who were first–generation immigrants, worked hard in order to put us through school to become successful professionals. As it turned out, we worked hard so our kids could do Improv.
