Everyone knows that besides Fling, Parents Weekend is the social pinnacle of the academic year. And, as if hungover breakfasts and invasive questions weren't enough, the LSAT falls this Saturday, too. Study up with our guide to the most glorious weekend of your family life.
READING COMPREHENSION
Parents, we know that keeping up with your kids can be like trying to speak another language. Unfortunately, in the realm of college talk, it only gets worse. Test your reading comp skills with these friendly phrases you’re sure to hear this Parents Weekend.
Your child says — "My roommate is really nice. We kind of never go out together, but it’s like the perfect rooming situation!" Your child means — She studies a lot and judges me hard for my excessive drinking/slutty going–out outfits, but never says anything, so it’s nbd.
Says — "Nah, I’m not really seeing anyone right now. I’m still getting adjusted and everything." Means — I’ve slept with a whole fraternity lineage and have earned myself a nickname. I won’t say it’s “That whore in Ware,” but I will say that it rhymes with “That boring chair.”
Says — "Class is actually pretty easy! I’m finding the workload totally manageable." Means — After a brief, hot second of motivation, I realized that it’s literally impossible to keep up with reading for all of my classes. So now I’m simply doing none of it.
Says — "Nah, I didn’t go out last night. We all stayed in to study and watch movies. It was totally college." Means — I’m still drunk.
Says — "That hospital bill? UGH I had some weird guacamole at the dining hall and was throwing up for days." Means — 6 beers, 4 shots of José, a joint, and half a Wawa sandwich proved too much. I may have also peed myself.
Says — "I think I’m ready to declare my major! Biophysics, here I come!" Means — I’m deciding between African Percussion, Sign Language and just dropping out.
Says — "Recitations are…well, like…they’re sort of…it’s hard to describe." Means — I’m sleeping with my TA.
Says — "I’m sleeping with my TA." Means — I’m sleeping with my professor.
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RESTAURANT WEEK - LOGICAL REASONING
Your parents are aggressively GChatting you from their hotel room about how super stoked they are to check out this new, quirky place in Center City. Pretending like you don’t have serious beer ponging to prep for, you humor them, and they send you a link to the restaurant’s dinner menu. One click leads you to a website riddled with pictures of sunny horizons, pebbled forests and smiling farmers. The menu itself flaunts a $35 prix fixe assortment of roasted beets, kale salad and quinoa.
Assuming that all of the above statements are true, which of the following can be most properly inferred about this restaurant?
A. “Quirky” is used here to mean “vegan co–op located in Philly because Brooklyn was too mainstream.”
B. Those smiling farmers depicted on the website were once Comparative Lit majors only a few recessions ago.
C. The name of this restaurant is some relatively–obscure–but–not–completely–forgotten female name from the 1800s. Like Minerva. Or Lavinia.
D. Five of your dollars go towards sustaining the restaurant. The remaining 30 go towards sustaining the owner’s “art.”
E. You’re going to leave hungry.
[CORRECT RESPONSE: All of the above. Sucks.]
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PARENTS WEEKEND - ANALYTICAL REASONING
Good morning, sunshine! It’s Friday afternoon, and you’ve just woken up in a drool pool, compliments of the rando in your bed (Sam? Alex? Jordan?). And SURPRISE! It’s Parents Weekend! Mama and Papa just called, and traffic’s a little heavy around Cherry Hill, but they’ll be there in, like, 20 minutes, don’t worry! There’s a lot to get done in this span of time usually reserved for catching up on last night’s episode of "Parks & Rec," so do yourself a solid and prioritize carefully, bearing in mind the following conditions:
You can shower or clean your room, but not both.
If you don’t remove the rando, Mom’s gonna insist on having “the talk.”
Your history recitation response is due right now.
You can hide all of your alcohol either in the closet or in the laundry hamper.
Your pants must be on.
TIME’S UP! Knock knock. Who’s there? “Hey honey! ...Who’s your friend?”
