Jerry Herman, 18, was inducted into Castle two weeks after arriving at Penn. The reason for his premature induction was, to quote, “enormous potential…[based off] his exemplary and unorthodox use of boat shoes and Kraft mac and cheese during NSO.”
Samantha Liu, 19, friended every person in the official Class of 2016 Facebook group, then friended their friends, then friended their friends, then friended their families, then their professors, and then their professors’ friends, like a loco one–woman Ponzi scheme. Scientists predict that in five years Samantha Liu will be friends with everyone on the continent; in seven, everyone in the world, thus achieving her dream of complete omnipresence.
Michael Hannish, 21, was inducted into Friars Senior Society, despite being a fourth–year engineering student at Drexel.
Quinton Blackburn, 22, was the recipient of an extremely exclusive Goldman Sachs internship. He was given the position after scouts saw him successfully negotiate a ratio with AEPi brothers, allowing him and his three unaffiliated male colleagues to enter the already–packed party.
Kayleigh Matthews, 20, finally slept with every guy (and girl) from her freshman year hall.
Bonniebell Fuerst, 20, after consuming omelette “bruncheons,” partaking in small talk with the employees, decorating her table sign to reflect her unique vision, offering strong yet helpful customer evaluations and learning the language itself week after week, officially became the new Greek Lady.
Joey Topthorn, 23, went from rags to riches thanks to his startup, Shoesoxx, which won the 2012 European Inventor Award for his ingenious idea to combine shoes and socks into one item of clothing. “Shoesoxx are a revolutionary product, one that will help usher in a new era of peace, happiness, and prosperity,” President Obama was quoted saying last Thursday.
