...AND WE STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE ROOM IS
It’s Fling, which — depending on how self–destructive you are — has already been sort of raging for a week or so. In celebration, we decided to torture ourselves with one of the worst films ever made: Tommy Wiseau’s The Room! We played our game — the rules are below — and you can too. Check 34st.com for our full experience.
First panoramic shots of San Francisco: “Those are some good panoramic shots of San Francisco.” First time Johnny says “Oh hai”: “He looks like Gollum.” Drink as long as you can into a sex scene: “This kid who seems like Tommy Wiseau’s son gets invited into the bedroom? Hopefully the moral ambiguity of this film won’t bother me when I get drunk.” Sex scene: “Why is there a waterfall in the bedroom?” Sex scene: “Thank god this sex scene is over …”
…
Next sex scene: “Goddamnit, didn’t we just see one of these?” Sex scene: “Stairs are erotic.” Sex scene: “This is the best part of what I’ve seen so far.” Sex scene: “This movie is basically a porno. Actually, it’s slightly more complex than a porno…that’s the best compliment you could give it.” Lisa is a whore: “Did people not wear bras in 2003?” Johnny is badly dubbed: “Tommy Wisseau definitely got botox. But then what did he look like before he got botox?” Johnny laughs: “Are they mixing their whiskey with vodka?”
Next sex scene: “This uses exactly the same shots as the last sex scene. And it’s no better the second time.” Lisa talking to her elderly mother: “Lisa’s mother looks like John Boehner.” Lisa talking to her elderly mother: “Oh no, they’re not going to have sex too, are they?” Some random thug — who never appears again — fails to understand simple logic, and puts a gun to Denny’s head: “I like this guy already. I like his hat” A character is on drugs: “Lisa is ONLY beautiful on drugs.”
(Intermission: Already sick of the film, our valiant viewers decide to indulge in some drug use themselves. Oh shit, we’re fed up? That means we have to drink. We pause for some conversation.) Fling Tip: “Drink Jack mixed with maple syrup.” Random quotes: “1994: My only memory is being in purple pajamas, downstairs.” “I don’t have a problem with my children being genetic freaks, okay?” “Yes, we have the same last name. I am his progeny.” “Girls are allowed to say guys are gross, but guys aren’t allowed to say the same?” On Newt Gingrich’s wife: “She looks like she’s going to destroy me”
(We begin watching again, significantly more intoxicated.) Johnny is badly dubbed: “That’s a fucking huge bottle of water.” We’re fed up with the movie: “Wait, I have a question. What is the room? What room is this referencing?” WE’RE SO. GODDAMN. FED UP WITH THIS MOVIE: “Look at the camera! It’s not steady!” (In reference to Mark): “I dig.” Next sex scene (between Lisa and Mark): “It’s the hot ones, so I’m okay with this.” Sex scene: “It’s weird, 'cause this is all the songs that I hook up to.” Passing the football: “Oh fuck, I just took thirteen drinks in a row.” Lisa is a whore: “If there’s anyone who’s dick I want to see in this movie, it’s the dude with the hair.” “What about Lisa’s?” Lisa is a manipulative bitch: “Her eyes are so green, they’re like a plant!” “Are you into Lisa?” *hesitation* One of my roommates walks in (spoken to him): “Hey, we’re watching the worst movie ever.” “It’s not as bad as The Room!” “It IS The Room” Another random, unexplained character walks on–screen: “I like his frosted tips!” “It looks like he plays lax.” “Looks like he plays lax in 2001. Also known as 2001: A Lax Odyssey.” Tommy Wiseau is badly dubbed: “You know, he really sounds like Dr. Nick from The Simpsons.”
Next sex scene: “He’s like, spasming.” “It looks like he’s having an orgasm, actually.” Spoiler alert! Tommy Wiseau kills himself: “DENNY CAN’T KNOW, HE’S JUST A 21–YEAR–OLD CHILD!” It’s over. Finally: “This movie was so bad, Tommy Wiseau actually died!”
The Room: Drinking Game Rules
Take a drink every time: • Someone says “Oh hai” • Johnny laughs • Lisa is a manipulative bitch • You fail to understand Johnny • You see a spoon • A football is passed (every pass) • A character fails to understand simple logic • A reaction is overplayed • Johnny is badly dubbed • Peter is called "a pussy" • Mark is a “cheepcheepcheep” • You’re fed up with the movie • There’s a panoramic shot of San Francisco • Lisa is referred to as some variant of "beautiful" • Johnny is a “great guy” • Somebody is on the roof • Johnny talks to himself • Lisa is promiscuous
Finish your drink when: • People are being torn apart • Johnny breaks his possessions • A CHARACTER IS ON DRUGS! • Drink as long as you can into a sex scene • Breast cancer is mentioned • Comments are put in pockets • There’s some underwear somewhere • A major BOMBshell is dropped
Take a big swig whenever: • Lisa is faithful to somebody • The acting is convincing (Hint: these are rare)
