This article is a part of the the Fall 2011 Joke Issue: Real Housewives of 34th Street.
Take advantage of pre–dinner small talk to mention you’ve contracted a stomach bug. Wanna make it better? Suggest it might be food poisoning from the cheeseburger you so casually consumed at lunch.
When appetizers are served, take a few bites, chat some more and then take an extended bathroom break. Use the time away from the table to peruse bathroom shelves and cabinets for prescription drugs, laxatives or her husband’s performance enhancers. We can almost guarantee that when you return, the maid will have cleared what was left on your plate. Yes, there are that many drugs.
Lean over to compliment your neighbor’s new boob job. In the process, use your own boobs to knock over your wine glass and flood your plate.
Use food as ammunition for your inevitable mid–dinner fight. Tossing what’s on your plate will increase drama and decrease calories. If all else fails, flip the entire table. Goodbye dinner, hello bikini.
As a last resort, take the easy route out and don’t hold back on that seventh martini. Not only will you lose your inhibitions, you’ll throw up everything you ate, too. You didn't make the drinks, it's not your fault.
