This article is a part of the the Fall 2011 Joke Issue: Real Housewives of 34th Street.
Street: How did you decide to get married? LP: It just made sense for us. We are two souls. FW: Go on. LP: Oh, that’s all.
Street: How did your parents feel about your marriage? LP: Because I am legally an adult, I do not have parents. FW: I’m her parents now. LP: What?
Street: What was the best wedding gift you got? FW: Wait, did my RA ever give us a gift? LP: No. FW: Lord.
Street: What did you learn from your wedding? LP: Note to self, keep ex–cons and assholes off your guestlist.
Street: Who is your alter ego? FW: A failure. LP: Jessica. She's dowdy.
Street: What does your Penn card look like? LP: Luscious luxurious little lamb meat. Or a vivacious veal. FW: It looks fine — LP: Actually beef. He looks horrible, he has like eight chins. Right, hun? Like maybe nine, even. Isn’t he fat? I’ve always thought he was fat.
Street: What is your motto? FW: Be the person you always thought you said you wanted to be when you weren’t that person right before you said the motto. LP: Live like you’re dying. Like someone is killing you right now with a sword and you’re bleeding out like in Grey’s Anatomy. Like that.
Street: If you had a super power, what would it be? LP: Narcolepsy. What about you, babe? FW: To reset my life. LP: Oh.
Street: You just failed a very important final. What do you do? FW: Well, it’s a very complicated process. First, I’d talk to my lawyer. Then, I’d consult with my professor’s lawyer. Then, I’d meet classmates’ lawyers. Then — LP: This happened to me once. I flipped a table on him.
Street: Sorry, I’ve never heard that expression. LP: That wasn’t an expression.
Street: What are you majoring in? FW: Finance, with a concentration in Money. LP: Animals.
Street: What’s your guilty pleasure? FW: Sometimes I like to wake up early in the morning — say, around 4 am, when the only sounds are the trees breathing and the pitter–patter of dew drops falling on the freshly–mowed blades of grass. Then, I walk back and forth on Locust. Back and forth. Back and forth. For a moment, I am able to forget everything: the classes, my wife, seventh grade. For a moment, I am content. LP: Frozen fish sticks! I know! I am mentally ill! Put me away!
Street: There are two types of people at Penn... LG: Us and them. FW: No, say something funny. LP: I don’t know what to say. (burps dog) FW: Goddammit, say something funny. They want you to be funny.
Street: What was the best thing you’ve done at Penn so far? LP: Oh my god, Amy Gutmann’s Halloween party at her mansion was just fabulous! I dressed up as a chihuahua and he was my dog walker!
Street: I didn’t know that was open to students. FW: Neither did she.
Street: What makes you two stand out on campus? FW: Other than that we’re so dashingly attractive? LP: I sing! FW: She’s a superstar. A real auto–tune goddess. LG: Buy my single! It’s called "Hurrah for the Red and White Wine!" Get it? FW: Everyone gets it.
