DRUNK
Kumar looks sketchy. What. The. Hell. Is on his face. Currently Scared. Why is he sitting on Santa’s lap? Oh, Santa’s a drug dealer. Obviiiiiiii. A ring of smoke just became a wreath. How? This is the coolest movie ever.
HOLY SHIT, THERE ARE EGGS FLYING AT MY FACE. This 3d is so reLlllll. RUN HAROLD, RUN FROM THE 99%!
Oh haaaaaaaaaay, Maria in da lingerieee. Shit’s getring sexay up in here! OH, NO! HER DADDY CAME! HE’S THE GUY FROM SPY KIDS! MACHETE!!!!!!!!! He loves treez/ happy Chritsmas, Papa Maria! Why is he so mean to Harold…
Kumar, you’re gonna be a DADDY! HOW WHY… WHAT? Vanessa stop being mean to him.
AMIR FROM JAKE AND AMIR IS IN THIS MOVIE! HAHAHA, he’s like the same character. Amir’s gonna getttttsommmeee. Good for you. What’s his name in this movie? Does it actually matter? Kumar has a package. Why are they dropping it off at Harolds? Didn’t Harold say they don’t talk anymore? SO MANY QUESTIONS!
Hahahahahhahahahahah the tree was lit on fire by the joint! CLASSIC H&K.
Kumar is stealing the tree from Harold… There is a big black teddy bear selling this tree. I love you too, t3ddy b3@r.
CAR CHASE! Harold has caught up to Kumar and Amir. Kumar just got Todd’s babay high!
This baby is like a demon seed. What is wrong with it…
10 year olds & pong!!!!!!!!!! Holy moly they’re gooooood! Omg Virgin Mary’s dad is a mob bosssss. Amir’s gonna get some and dieeeeeeez.
This kid is like an evil chickie child. smile crazy.
Lololololol Harold and Kumar are Eiffel Towering Virgin Mary!!! She’s like 16. Inapprops.
MOB BOSS JUST CAME INTO DA PARTY WITH THE MIDDLE SCHOOL BABIES. Also, why are middleschoolerz haveing sex. Not cool… stay in school. I rhymed. Lolpants.
Harold and Kumar are runnnning away (But Amir Todd and the evil chcukie baby are stuck)! Cocaine errrywhere, getting da baby crunk. It’s like snow… soooo Christmas.
Hehehehe they’re in Claymation now! Kumar whipped out his penis… It’s, like, growing.
Omg NPH is santaaaaaaaaaa! Didn’t you, like, diee? How are you alive? You’re not gay?!
Where is the unicorn?
Harold’s dick is stuck to a pole… just like in A Christmas Story. Yeah, you laugh about that Kumar. Fuck him and his penis. Not literally…
OH NO, THEY SHOT SANTA! CHRISTMAS IS RUINED FOR ERRRRYOOONNNNEEE!
Okayyy I see you doing surgery on Santa, Kumar. You stich that foreheard, gurl.
AW RUDOLF IS TAKING THEM HOME.
Harold, you are sexy when you take charge to Spy Kids father-in-law. Go make babies.
Stop climbing into windowz, Kumar. Das creepy.
Everyone is friends! Hahahahaha santa has a candy cane bong.
Fuck Avatar. Harold and Kumar in 3d FOREVS.
HIGH
Woah. 3D. This movie just started and they’ve already smoked more than I have. I can’t believe Santa is a drug dealer. I wonder if I could put that on my wish list. Anyway, Harold and Kumar meet up totally by accident and get sent on the most epic Christmas quest. They a find a tree but then it wrecked in that car accident, but that leads them to a siiiiick party so someone can get laid, which is so chill. The party was really crazy but also so chill. Know what I mean?
So then they have to beat these toolish pre-frosh at ruit and Harold snipes the winning cup with a super clutch shot. I’m totally going to practice his moves. No way claymation! This movie is the bomb. They try to find another tree but end up in a broadway musical. That would freak me out. They’re danci—IT’S NPH! I wish I could sing as good as him. Wait how did they get on broadway? No idea but this baby’s waaay higher than I am. Such a champ.
They almost get a solid tree but those mobsters kidnap them!. Double bummer. No way that waffle-bot saved them! Damn I seriously want a waffle right now. And a waffle-bot. Wait who shot Santa? Huge bummer. Oh nice they saved him, that was Christmas clutch. Dude they get to fly in Santa’s sleigh and he’s a bro. I want to chill with Santa.
I’m pretty sure that movie was made for me. Although the overdone 3D stuff got old. Ok wait maybe not. I couldn’t stop laughing and it really freaked me out. I’m definitely going to see it again so I can remember what happened.
SOBER
I’ve been told that seeing any Harold and Kumar flick isn’t possible for a sober person. Thus, I didn’t have the highest expectations as I walked into their latest, A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas. But at the time it seemed totally worth it, and what wouldn’t I do for 3D glasses?
Apparently, Harold and Kumar have some emotional baggage. The two have long been separated since the affectionately called Roldy married a hot Hispanic woman and quit weed (I feel his sobriety pain as Kumar lights up with a shopping mall Santa before the credits stop rolling). But, after a mysterious package turns up on Kumar’s doorstep for Harold, the old friends predictably reunite.
This time around, their big adventure is sparked — no, it literally goes up in flames — by a ruined family Christmas tree and Harold’s desire to please his fresh–off–parole in–laws. The pair embarks on a journey that takes them through some expectedly wild scenes: coked out toddlers, waffle–making robots, the Ukrainian mafia, occupy Wall Street and, of course, a Neil Patrick Harris Christmas pageant. What else could I have expected?
What I didn’t expect? It to actually be funny, get this, without my being under the influence. Of course, there were ups and downs. The title characters spewed more self-promotion that a sorority girl during rush. I lost count of the number of 3D jokes and tip–offs to a fourth movie before they even made their first trip to White Castle. And, I couldn’t honestly say that a few jokes didn’t miss. But despite everything, I liked it. I really liked it. Besides, the 3D second–hand smoke was almost realistic enough to do the trick.
3.5/5 Stars A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas Directed by: Todd Strauss–Schulson Starring: John Cho, Kal Penn, Neil Patrick Harris Rated R, 89 min.
