We've all heard the story about the Penn alum couple who met freshman year and are now happily married (yeah, we’re talking about you Mr. and Mrs. Elizabeth Banks). But with our days split between studying hard and procrastinating harder, we have little time to create a substantive love connection. Don’t fret because Lowbrow knows a thing or two about finding love in the bookstacks. Take a peek at what your love life has in store based on your favorite study haunts.
Illustrations by Ajai Vishwanath
She ventured to the BioMed Library for the same reason she enrolled in Bio 121: to find a nice Jewish doctah. Lucky for Rachel, that’s exactly when she met David. Even after she dropped PreMed in lieu of an Urban Education degree, their love for Hillel chicken wraps kept the two together. That, and their grandmothers play Bridge together at the Boca JCC. Now married, she stays at their Westchester home with little Rebecca and Daniel while he’s still completing those final 10 years of residency. Life as a trophy wife is just as she imagined it — hosting house parties when he finally opens his own practice and smuggling Viagra into his cupcakes.
Capogiro provides a sceney Mecca for Penn’s international population. The denizens of this makeshift study lounge sip on overpriced cappuccinos during the day and guzzle glasses of vino blanc at night, a combination that oft culminates in the coalescence of foreign tongues… literally. And while we might not see these Capo couples in the States after graduation, we can expect them to export their offspring to Penn, where little Pierre will become the future president of Castle.
While Fisher Fine Arts is not the first place that comes to mind when you think of finding love, it’s definitely a great spot to find a kinky sex partner. Just imagine it. The lights are dim, the silence is echoing and when you finally lock eyes with her, you both know exactly what comes next: profound, noiseless sex in the carrels upstairs — no strings attached. Except the ones around your ankles.
Huntsman Hall is the meeting place for the future power couples of corporate America. When they're not calculating the present value of their trust funds, young Whartonites sometimes try their hand at love. While steamy interactions in GSRs may momentarily thaw their cold, frigid hearts, we know that their love is one investment that won’t pan out. She’ll get the penthouse on the Upper East Side in the divorce settlement while he sails the Mediterranean on his yacht with young supermodels.
Van Pelt serves as the prime breeding grounds for Penn’s indigenous couple: the fratstar and sorostitute. You can find them in Rosenparty recounting tales of the latest bacchanalia at the local watering hole, the Blarney Stone. And even though he’s a BMOC now and she’s been a Beta sweetheart since sophomore year, we all know how this love story will end — the retired Greek couple shotgunning Buds in their trailer home (which may or may not double as a crystal meth lab) reminiscing on them good ol’ days before his six pack turned into a beer belly and when her nose was properly intact.
