I’m not a stalker. Let’s get that clear right off the bat. But believe me when I say I could contact you in five seconds if I tried. I’m here to reveal the best kept secret of Penn’s website: the Directory. Booooring, you’re thinking. Phone number, email address, major… whoop–dee–doo. How wrong you are, my ignorant friend.
Try it. You know you want to. The website entices you to “Find a Person.” Don’t mind if I do. All you need is someone’s firstie or lastie to get started. And once you start it’s hard to stop — don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Take the brooding junior guy in my history recitation who I judged for wearing a purple scarf to class every week. A quick search on the Directory showed me we had chemistry I couldn’t deny. His middle initial is C — my middle initial is C. And our phone numbers both end with 62. We are so totally meant to be.
Forget about hiding an embarrassing name behind a mainstream nickname like Al. The Directory never lies. Don’t worry Algernon, your secret’s safe with me.
And you know that senior on the soccer team who everyone says is so hot? Sure, I’ve never spoken to him, or even been in the same room as him for that matter. But his phone number may or may not be in my contacts, courtesy of my beloved Directory.
If you’re calling me “creepy” or “stalker” right now, it’s not the first time I’ve heard it. But that’s unfair name–calling if you ask me. I won’t apologize for taking advantage of the treasures Penn’s website has to offer.
So, next time you get a call from a “wrong number,” don’t be so sure it’s really a wrong number. Maybe it’s me, or that girl in your Econ class who eats her hair and always seems to be staring at you, or that guy who wears sunglasses every day in class. Thanks to Penn Directory, you’ll never know. Stalk you later!
More in Highbrow: Toasts and Roasts Word on the Street: Keep the Candy Overheard at Penn
