It's Judgment Day here at Penn and nobody is safe from condemnation. But before you step on those moral scales, we at Lowbrow have made a quiz to give you a better idea of how hard you will be judged. We warn you, there's no right answer.
How many classes are you taking? 4 – A full course load. Did that underachieving work ethic fly at your public school? What’s that you say? You have an extracurricular, too?! How Does She Do It? 5.5 – A light course load for a Vag(elos) kid. We get it, you’re really smart! But will it be worth it when you die a virgin? That weird night with a robot doesn’t count.
Do you smoke? Yes, a pack a day. Hey James Dean, you think cancer is cool? Smoking ciggies might have been trendy on your year abroad, but you’re back in the U.S. of A. now. The only thing we smoke here is grass. Yes, but only when I’m drunk. We see you standing there, casually taking pulls from your death stick outside of Smoke’s. Oh, so you don’t smoke, you just bummed this one? Do you put on your sister’s clothes when you’re drunk, too? Don’t answer that. No, that’s gross. Wait you’ve never smoked a cigarette? Oh you did, you just didn’t inhale? Sorry, I forgot Puritans don’t have fun.
Where are you from? The City. It must have been hard coming to Penn with only 30 of your closest friends from Dalton, Horace Mann and Nightingale. And we get it, Pod is no Nobu. We watch Gossip Girl and NYC Prep, we know how it is. I’m from New York. Wait, I didn’t know Hoboken was in NYC. That’s right, it’s not. How bad does New Jersey suck that you made an interstate commute everyday to go to high school?
Are you a member of a Greek organization? Yes. I’m in the best sorority on campus. PC ‘13 ROCKS! How did you make friends before college when you couldn’t buy them? We hear some people talk to each other without a listserv or a BBM thread. Bizarre, right? You should talk about it at chapter. No. I’m unaffiliated. You scoff at anyone wearing Greek letters and backwards caps. What a blatant expression of social conformity, you think. You’re even too good for Elmo’s and PiLam because it’s hip to be a GDI. But wouldn’t it be more ironic if you were in a fraternity? Think about it.
Are you in a relationship? Yes. Long distance… I’m so horny. Hey, pussywhip. Do you enjoy waiting for your girlfriend to finish hooking up with her hallmate and get on Skype? Do you taste his dick when she sends you virtual kisses? No. I’m of the “hit–it–and–quit–it” school of thought. Women are not something you should approach with such a flippant attitude, young man. Nor are the subsequent STIs.
