1. Stay Calm
I once saw a squirrel here eating another squirrel, which means that these creatures are vicious like no beasts you've known before. But like all terrifying animals, they can smell your fear (and your French fries) from a mile away so try not to let them intimidate you.
2. Avoid eye contact
Once a squirrel looks deep into your eyes, it's as if he's gazing directly your mind, and he'll know every escape route running through it. This is when they're especially dangerous. If you're unlucky enough to make eye contact with one of these little monsters, do not be the first to break eye contact. Let them know they don't intimidate you. This may be your only chance for survival.
3. Make an offering
Contrary to popular belief, not feeding Penn squirrels only makes them angrier, and, believe me, that's the last thing you want to happen. Instead, make them a sizable peace offering of literally anything that is technically edible: Houston sushi, your Gia salad, the carcass of a lamb you slaughtered for the occasion, a cup of froyo, etc. A large offering will please the squirrels and, if you're lucky, they'll no longer bother you.
4. Leave and never come back
Should you be unlucky enough to have a squirrel enter your dorm, give up. The squirrel will freeze and stare at you with piercing, beady eyes. This is your first and only cue to leave. Take your laptop and one pair of shoes, leave the key on the windowsill, and bow deeply to the squirrel. Then get far, far away. At that point, the squirrels have won. Your room belongs to them. To avoid this terrible fate, live a life of constant fear and never, I repeat never, leave your windows open in the quad. Don't be naive enough to think a screen will protect you. They will gnaw through that like they'll gnaw through your arm if you provoke them.
5. Rule them all
If you follow these steps to the letter, the squirrels may select you as their leader. You will know this has happened because they will leave a gift of eight acorns and the head of a pigeon they killed for the occasion will appear on your doorstep. This is a prestigious position, looks GREAT on a resume, and all the senior societies will really really want you.
Read our entire NSO Freshman guide here.
