Why, hello there. This week, we offer a candid look at a species widely known, but rarely studied: the Pennius Studentis. We followed a male and female for a week, carefully observing their every action and behavior. Join us as we take an exclusive look into the life of this magnificent creature.
Hibernating Ah! Here is a special treat: a group of specimens hibernating in the crevices of Van Pelt Library. Incredible! They contort their bodies to fit the tight couches and chairs at their disposal. Their dexterity is truly astounding.
Feeding Observe the behavior of our ravished Pennius Studentis as he satiates himself in what can only be described as a “2 a.m. nom–sesh.” Bones and wings are no match for this beast.
Adaptation The Pennius Studentis is known for its incredible ability to adapt to a challenging situation. Observe how this particular male is able to stretch his neck to radical lengths to obtain the answers for his astronomy midterm.
Stalking Prey Quietly, seductively crouched, the male species waits for his prey. Look just yonder! A proud female struts past, feathers gleaming in the moon’s glow. But no, the male cannot muster verbal communication and retreats to his den, hopeful for another encounter.
Grooming Plumage abounds and feathers flush from beak tip to toe. Males don the colors of the night: purples, greens and passionate reds. This ceremonial garb indicates to males and females alike their status, fertility and douchebagery.
Mating The Pennius Studentis’ mating ritual is a curious one indeed. It begins with an incredible eagerness, as the beast fumbles with a condom scavenged from a local medicinal institution. The male then penetrates the female, reenacting various positions that he has observed from sexual media. The reaction from the female is tepid at best.
Watering Hole Herds of the Pennius Studentis gather around the local watering hole nightly to quench their thirst and to attempt to find an attractive mate. Unfortunately, neither appetite is satisfied.
Preparing for battle This special strain of Studentis applies tribal paint in preparation for war. Spears are unsheathed, teeth bared, claws sharpened. A battle cry echoes from the walls of their fortress, Huntsman Hall. The nightly battle for GSRs commences.
Camouflaging Watch in awe as the Pennius Studentis camouflages into his surroundings. He is nearly invisible as he stands against the beer–encrusted walls at a fraternity party.
