Next Brangelina adoptee to be named Jeff They’ve done it again! In a surprising adoption twist, Angelina and Brad Pitt name their ninth child something normal.
CVS Surprised as Customer Base Shifts from Sick People to People with Pretty Nails Popular nail polish company ESSIE released a select number colors to be available at CVS stores nationwide this month. CVS executive Johnny Smith told an interviewer that the company has since noticed a sharp decline in actual sick people frequenting the pharmaceutical chain. While the customer demographic of 12–15 year old girls has skyrocketed, Smith says that CVS has not yet figured out where all the sick people are going, and hopes they aren’t staying home for fear of girl cooties.
“Male uses Syfy Show as Pickup Line; Goes Home Alone” A local area man went home alone Friday night after a devastating mistake. According to an eyewitness, the man, Herbert Steifler, 34, approached Melinda Friedman, 32, and started talking to her about the latest season of Doctor Who. According to the witness, Melinda was “weirded out” and “gave him a total bitch eye” before walking out, leaving him at the bar. After the encounter, Stiefler was seen heading back to his one–room apartment, quipping that he “had a date with Ms. Hand.”
James Franco Given Nobel Prize; Board Explains ‘He’d Eventually Get it Anyway’ Last Thursday, actor, activist, artist and academic James Franco was awarded all five possible Nobel Prizes. Franco, who is notorious for his relentless over–achieving, was honored in “anticipation of all the incredible things he’s bound to do at the rate he’s going,” explained Thorbjørn Jagland, Chairman of the Norwegian Nobel Committee. He continued, “We figured that maybe, if we awarded it to him now, he could pull the stick from his ass and enjoy life a little, for God’s sake.”
Best Beach Bodies Stephen Hawking Tops List!
CELEB ROUND–UP
Real Housewives of Miami Call it an Early Night; Asleep by 9:30 ¡Que calor! Things heated up on the South Beach scene this weekend as Miami housewife Larsa Pippen tucked her kids in bed and called it a night at 9:30. Says Pippen, “I suppose I just realized my kids needed as much attention as my boobs.” We’re excited to see if the rest of the pack can keep up.Judge Spells Barry Bonds’ Name Wrong, Charges Dropped “Whoopsie daisy!” says judge in an official statement released late Wednesday night. The judge, who claimed, “Barry looked like Larry” in the official court papers, concluded his statement last night by admitting, “My wife has been telling me I need to change the prescription on my glasses for two months.”
Lady Gaga Wears Sweater Set In a genius publicity stunt, Lady Gaga stepped out in public wearing a beige sweater set last Sunday. “She never ceases to amaze us,” said Paul Speranza, a high school senior and longtime fan. “All of [her fanbase] are shopping at Goodwill now so we can be just like her. We’re Decent Little Monsters!” A representative from Bloomingdale’s declined to comment on the mass shipment of sweater sets seen loaded into the store this week.
MTV’s Jersey Shore Adds Cast Member Actually from Jersey MTV has announced that Jersey Shore will finally add an actual New Jersey native to its cast. The hit show, which follows “guidos and guidettes” who live in the Garden State, was surprisingly lacking cast members of Italian descent or who actually were from Jersey. The newest addition, Mario Pento, promises to add an “air of authenticity” to the show, and promises to “pound a bunch of hoes.”
Johnny Depp Literally Disappears into Role; Search Underway Three–time Academy Award Nominee Johnny Depp was pronounced missing last week while on the set of Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. Depp, a talented actor known for his chameleon–like ability to disappear into his characters, mysteriously vanished while playing the role of Captian Jack Sparrow. “It was bizarre,” recounts director Rob Marshall. “Johnny was staggering about, drinking rum, as usual, and suddenly he was gone.” Police are continuing to search for the actor, but are not hopeful. Says gaffer Fred Hefner, “He was too good for his own good.
Ellen Page Looks Surprisingly Like that One Girl You Know; Friends Agree
STARS… THEY’RE JUST LIKE US!
They have allergies to poor people!Whenever they feel lonely, they adopt a kid!
They have a taste tester to test if their food is poisoned, or high in trans fats!
They bathe in a velvet–laced jacuzzi!
They buy imported kangaroo meat when they’re feeling adventurous!
For a “quiet night out,” they fly to a private island off the coast of Costa Rico!
When they really like a resturaunt, they buy it!
They receive special “frequent visitor points” each time they go to rehab!
They play fetch with their baby tigers!
They buy their children islands!
They can’t remember where they parked their helicopter!
They complain to their personal sushi chef!
They encrust their entire body with gold leaf in their spare time!
