5:00 p.m.: Get a text from date: “FYI, dress code is flannel and jeans!!!!” Assume she’s being ironic. I’m wearing a white t–shirt, fuck flannel. 5:55 p.m.: Get to date's house house. Realize the text was not ironic in any way. 300 white kids in flannel and jean cutoffs. I get disdainful looks for not conforming. 6:05 p.m.: In line for pre–bus bathroom break. Overhear what this event is really about: “Having sex in the woods is the only reason we bring dates.” Get worried about my date’s expectations… 6:15 p.m.: File onto buses. End up with all the cool kids at the back. 7:00 p.m.: Much needed pee break. Bus drivers all collectively stop outside some random old lady’s house by the side of the road. Hordes descend on her front yard. Urination and defecation. COLLEGE!!!! 7:15 p.m.: Attempt to leave before the old lady yells at us. 7:17 p.m.: The old lady yells at us. 7:25 p.m.: The freshman bus breaks down. We now have eager looking youngsters on the bus. We’re now three to a seat in violation of schoolbus code. 7:30 p.m.: Phi Delt freshman is sitting on me. He has a boner. This is not cool. 8:05 p.m.: Get to the Woods. 8:15 p.m.: Slowdance Chubby (aka the promised “cover band”) starts playing Blink 182. You know, because they’re ironic. 8:55 p.m.: Eat three cheeseburgers. There are no s’mores. Decide to grind instead of having a fourth. 10:01 p.m.: Stumble to the woods again to pee. Stumble onto couple having sex against a tree. Scream. Interrupt. Laugh. Run away. Stumble onto second couple. But they were just making out totes different. 10:06 p.m.: Pee on tree. Get smacked in the face by tree. 10:11 p.m.: Get back to grinding. Slowdance teases the crowd with promises of “Don’t Stop Believing.” Switch into Weezer. Fuck them. I think I’m the only person who got the Weezer reference. I’m such a loser. 11:00 p.m.: Get filed onto bus by Sober Sisters! Date’s little is the most delicate vommiter I have ever seen. 12:00 a.m.: Back at Penn. That bus ride was too long. I’m drunk. Fuck Smoke’s. Fuck Flannel.

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