Don’t feel like putting on a coat and tie every day? Do cover letters and phone interviews get you in a tizzy? Looking to follow your dreams? Well, then why not take a cue or two from this group of successful alums who decided to think outside the box. We promise to find a career for you yet!
Beekeeper: Abe Hernandez, College, 1995
Whenever people ask me if I feel that I’ve wasted my Ivy League degree, I just sic my bees on them!
Poacher: Malthus Hornsby, Nursing, 1999
Don’t worry kids — I don’t kill Dumbo! The elephants I work with are usually ugly or endangered anyway. I’m really just speeding up God’s work! And if you’re still not on board, just try running your hand over a bar of ivory… magnificent, supple… so smooth and precious… must kill… blood and fur… harpoons… you’re next, pandas…
Migrant Worker: Ellie Dreidleberg, College, 1987
What could be better than working outdoors? The job’s great: a company carpool in the back of a roomy pick–up truck, a casual dress policy, I get to travel the world (or at least a good bit of the San Fernando Valley) and I never have to pay for a tan! I just hope Jefe doesn’t find out I’ve been pocketing strawberries…
Beijing Employee: Albert Yiang, Wharton, 2000
Yeah motherfucker, I went to Penn. Why do you think I stand outside the Quad chain–smoking? ‘Cuz I’m happy? Fuck you. Next time you come in here giggling about med school I'm gonna fart in your fried rice.
Personal Umbrella Holder: John Horkley, College, 1998
I’ve always found celebrities enchanting. I graduated planning to be a publicist, but what I ended up doing was so much better: holding stars' umbrellas! The job is the best–kept secret in Hollywood. You usually never have to work for more than two hours a day, the locations are varied and demand (especially in the diva division) is high. Plus there is nothing more intimate than sharing an umbrella with someone. You feel the crispness of their hair, the surprising softness of their hands when you accidently brush against them and their delicious, delicious scent. Bet I’m the only one who knows that Demi Moore smells like mint and Cinnabon. Oops!
Slaughterer: Maya–Jillian Palmintino, Nursing, 2002
As rush chair for my sorority, I learned a lot about leading mindless animals into traps where they would soon meet their deaths. The deaths of their identities and meaningful friendships, that is! Sometimes just to bring me back to those days, I’ll put black leggings and Uggs on a cow before I taze it to death. LYLAS! Mwah!
Hunter–Gatherer: Ted Bunyon, Engineering, 2002
Some people think I’m just another homeless Philadelphian, but then they see me pounce on a squirrel and bite off its head. I was so disillusioned with the pomp and entitlement of Penn that I had no choice but to don a loincloth and move into Fairmount Park. There I live entirely off the land and the picnicking couples whom I hold at spear–point and demand rations from. I’ll be honest though, sometimes I do tire of raw meat and dandelions. On those days, I can be found upstairs at Di Bruno Brothers, barking in ecstasy while I ‘capture’ a Gruyere panini!
Crash Test Dummy: Gabe Zickerman, College, 2009
This economy sucks. I don’t feel too good.
Strip Club Manager: Vic Krabopolis, Wharton, 1993
I don’t know if I really needed to go to Penn. I mean, a great steak and a naked ass in your face — the product sells itself. But my negotiations classes in Wharton really helped me implement a compromise last week with that guy who was trying to jerk off in the leather booth in the back. I said, "No way, Jose. Not ‘til you buy at least two more vodka cranberries." Boy did he!
Trust–Fund Lifer: Heathcliff Hauser Emmanuel Winthrop Bertrand Russell XVII, Wharton, 2006
Cuban cigars and Napoleon Brandy? A chateau in the South of France and a chalet in Austria? Never have to lift a finger? Yes please! My dad makes it happen for me and all I have to do is whine petulantly and threaten to expose that he has a bastard child with the maid. My career satisfaction is sky–high. I recommend you blackmail your wealthy father or grandfather as well!
Gravedigger: Crystal Mitchell, Engineering, 1979
Okay so I’d be lying if I said this was my dream job (I'd like to have been necro–cosmetologist), but it does have some hidden perks. You wouldn’t believe all the goodies these people get buried with. It’s a literal gold mine. I’ve got more sneakers and gold teeth than you can shake a gilded cane at (of which I have four).
Monster–Truck Driver: Chuck “The Bone Snapper” Hartheimer, College, 2007
Attending Penn left me with two ambitions in life: crushing things and sleeping with hillbilly ladies. This was really a no–brainer. Tonight I’m going to run over a Honda with six midgets inside and then head back to Carlotta’s trailer with a six pack of Keystone regular. Hope the kids are asleep this time.
Mime: Crosby Scuttlefish, Wharton 1981
(Motions a lot. Trapped in a car. Not really helpful … pulling on a rope. Nevermind.)
Recently–deposed Nigerian prince: Corey VanSchlugen, Wharton, 1999
Dear Sir or Madam, I write to you in a time of need. A guerilla army has dethroned me and frozen my financial assets. In their greed and aspirations for the crown, not one of my family members will come to my aid! If you could just send a check for $734 to 48 Huckleberry Lane in Carson City, Nevada, I would be able to access my royal bank account and promise to quadruple your deposit in show of my gratitude. Please hurry! Sincerely, Prince of Nigeria.
Cult Leader: He Who Was Formerly Referred to as “David Cooper,” College, 1987
I decided to formally start the Union of the Order of the North Winds in order to put my retired Philomathean Society robe to good use. Some apostates like to question my claims to immortality as well as my intimate quasi–sexual relations with the Grand Lord Zircon–Bizurqus, but I promise you they shall be avenged! And frankly, I don’t see anything wrong with eating animal feces if that’s what it takes to reach spiritual enlightenment.
ED. NOTE: If this is real then Susan Boyle is actually just John Goodman in a wig. Okay, just to clarify, this isn’t entirely the truest of true.
