For those of you who never open your emails from President Gutmann, you missed some HUGE news this past week. Due to the mounting prices of baked brie, the University was forced to shut down the Kelly Writers House. The windows were boarded up, the typewriters scrapped for parts and Filreis was thrown into the Schuylkill. It seemed that Penn students would be forced to find a new place to wear overpriced crap from Urban Outfitters and talk about their screenplays. But at the eleventh hour, a benevolent benefactor came out of nowhere, giving the University enough funds and Courvoisier to keep the institution afloat. But don’t put back on your cardigan just yet, poetry major: Changes are on the way. Lowbrow sat down with the new patron and Director, R&B artist Robert “R.” Kelly, and discussed his plans for the newly–renamed R. Kelly Writer’s House.
Lowbrow: Thanks so much for taking time out of your busy schedule to come talk to us! You must be excited about this new project. What started your love of writing? R. Kelly: Absolutely. I think my passion for the written word is tied to my passion for romance. You see, when I was in pre–school I was already crazy about the hunnies. Man, some of those Baby Gap perfumes had me chewing my eraser. So I started writing them love letters, and by the time I could spell “cootielicious” they were lining up from the snack station to the play area, where I was sitting on my throne of blocks, waiting to see who was gonna be next to ride the R Train.
LB: Fascinating. We’ve heard that the Writers House curriculum might get an overhaul. Could you give us a taste of the new classes students can expect? RK: The previous focus of the Writers House was just too narrow. Floetry as an art form was completely ignored! Look forward to dynamic classes like: COML 340 Sluts and Similes: Literary Love in the Russian Revolution, HIST 677 The Golden Shower, MUSC 344 Urban Operas: The Renaissance through World War II, CINE 999 (FOLK580) Trapped in the Context: Social Incongruities and Narrative Misnomers in ‘Trapped in the Closet,' ESL 001 Ebonics as a Second Language, HIST 114 I Believe I Can Fly: the Wright Brothers' Story, and ENGL540 Fuck Jams and Bone Ballads: Syntactic Discontinuity in a Western World.
LB: What about the inside of the Writers House? Any aesthetic changes headed our way? RK: Two words, baby: velvet and dolphins.
LB: Fancy! You must be inspired by so much literature. Read anything good lately? RK: I can never put down my two personal favorites: Little Women and Lolita.
LB: All your fans are on the edge of their seats waiting for the debut of your next book. Can you tell us a little about it? RK: No doubt. The book’s called Trapped in the Pantry and it documents my lifelong struggle with my yo–yoing weight. I can’t tell you how hard it’s been to keep my figure while on the road. I had absolutely no idea how many calories were in chicken wings and Cristal! Thanks to the tricks detailed in my book and a rigorous Pilates workout, I’m down nine pounds and finally in control again.
LB: Congratulations! We’re so excited to read it. What about the R. Kelly Writers House Fellows? Who are they going to be? RK: You ever hear of Jane Austen? I don’t usually get too impressed by all that courtship mumbo–jumbo. I like to skip to dessert, if you know what I’m saying. But this sister is BAAAAD. So I’m gonna get my people in touch with her people, and see if we can work something out. And if we can’t, my boy Hef is always down.
LB: Any other changes coming to campus that you know of? RK: Oh yeah. I owed a lot of people a lot of favors, so Penn students can now look forward to spending time at Whitney Houston Hall, the Ray–Raydian, Bobby Brown’s Burger Palace, Greek Lady Gaga, Chingypotle, Marky Mark’s Café, Common Dining Hall, the Lauryn Hillel, the Wheezystar Institute and Sean Kingston Court. Oh, and Beijing will get its ass shut down. I got diarrhea from that nasty place.
