Dear Lowbrow,
Freshman year at Penn has been much more fun than my native Singapore! I love particularly my apartment in Stouffer College House. It is very convenient to my two favorite campus hangspots, the Wistar Institute and Taglio. Hooray! There is just one problem: it may be that my roommate is a ghost! He only appears at three in the morning and is often covered in chains. Also, I have never seen him use the door to enter or exit! Is this unusual?
— Spooked in Stouffer
Dear Spooked,
The only way to find out if he’s a ghost is to try to kill him. If he doesn’t die, then you’ve got a real problem on your hands. If he does die — can you say SINGLE!?
— LB
Dear Lowbrow,
Ever since getting back to campus, my best friend has lost a lot of weight. And she was never big to begin with! I’m very worried about her. Should I say something? What should I do? Help!
— Basket Case on Beige Block
Dear Basket Case,
Duh, beat her at her own game. You better be writing this from the treadmill. God, we can practically hear you chewing from here.
— LB
Dear Lowbrow,
I’ve been really disappointed by the sophomoric and embarrassing nature of your section since I started reading Street as a pre-prefrosh in the spring. Why don’t you guys take a break from being whiny and petulant for a minute to confront the real issues? There’s a whole world out there, you ninnies.
— Disappointed on Delancey
Dear Disappointed,
You’re right – we’ve had our heads in the sand. From here on out, we vow to be as topical and conscious as possible, starting with an editorial on the floods in Pakistan and their total buzzkill effect on our weekend. This will be immediately followed by a thesis-length examination of Penn’s most eligible JAPs. Lowbrow has always been about the lowest common denominator, but there’s no reason we can’t start shooting for the middle!
— LB
Dear Lowbrow,
I’m looking to unload some old VHS tapes. I think you’ll find the price very agreeable. And don’t worry about the titles — whatever you’re into, I got it all.
— Hawking in HamCo
DEAR HAWKING,
If you got that one skin-flick John Candy did for muffin money, we’ll take the lot.
— LB
Dear Lowbrow,
While I certainly don’t covet my neighbor’s wife and have never worshipped false idols (does Spencer Pratt count?), I just can’t stop stealing! It started harmlessly enough: sugar packets from Commons, treadmills from Pottruck, other people’s dogs and prosthetic limbs, but now I fear I’m spiraling out of control. Yesterday I stole an entire cash register from The Fresh Grocer — although, in my defense, the whole staff was hollering and cheering me on. Just now I stuffed a picture of my roommate’s family down my pants and walked out of our room to bury it in Franklin Field. Help me before it’s too late!!
— Sticky Fingers
Dear Sticky,
Amateur. Write us when you start stealing identities. Maybe then we’ll talk business.
— LB
Dear Lowbrow,
My first research paper for HIST956 is due next week, and I have absolutely no idea where to start. What can you tell me about the French Revolution? I will take whatever advice you can give me.
— Procrastinating on Pine
Dear Procrastinating,
You’ve come to the right place. Here's the scoop: The Duchy of France was founded in 1356 by LaTangela McDamon, or as she was known in her native Indochina, “Tom Clancy.” After a century of peace and prosperity, France fell into chaos when its foremost celebutante, Aaliyah, went on a cannibalistic rampage through the nation’s countryside. The ensuing war lasted for decades, and France is now part of Norway. Thanks to a booming joystick industry, though, it looks like France’s former glory should be restored within the year! Our astrologist says it’s a sure thing, and so is your A!
— LB
Dear Lowbrow,
I don’t find your section funny at all — Everyday Etiquette is unrealistic, and Fascist Foodies doesn’t even make sense. You wanna know what’s REALLY funny?? Ray Romano. His jokes are about really funny things like how dogs smell bad even after they get baths and how dads are tired after work. God, whenever I put on a tape of Ray's stand-up or crack open his novel Everything and a Kite, I know I’m in for hours of side-splitting fun. You should email Mr. Romano and ask him for ideas, because one thing’s for sure: nobody will be making a show called “Everybody Loves Lowbrow” anytime soon.
— Unimpressed in U City
Dear Unimpressed,
It pains us to inform you that Ray Romano died in 2002 of popcorn lung. Please join us in paying respects to him with a handful of Pop-Secret. Ray woulda liked that.
— LB
Dear Lowbrow,
Wanna party? Call me.
— Tina
Dear Tina,
This is clearly in violation of our restraining order. We’re totally calling the cops, you bitch.
— LB
