Last week, super-diva Jennifer Lopez, wacky rocker Steven Tyler and music industry vet Jimmy Iovine were announced as the new American Idol judges, joining longtime Idol kingpin Randy Jackson. With the exception of our favorite big dawg, we’re less than pleased with Fox’s new lineup. As such, we felt compelled to suggest some alternatives. Check out our exclusive (and obviously realistic) Idol picks, including a few Penn heavyweights ... and a monkey.
Miss Lois from Einstein/Joe Perry/Shaggy 2 Dope of Insane Clown Posse Everyone’s favorite bagel lady + forgotten Aerosmith member + fucking insane clown = We do worry a bit that Miss Lois's lovably excessive use of "baby" might anger the ever-bitter Perry, but we do trust Shaggy 2 Dope to keep the tensions to a minimum. Because he's terrifying.
William Labov, Ph.D/Bubbles the monkey/George Clinton Penn’s most cunning linguist + Michael Jackson’s favorite pet + drugged-out P-Funker = While Labov's talk of variationist sociolinguistics may be too highbrow for network television, Bubbles will level out the judge's discussion with some good old feces-throwing. Clinton should provide some pearls of wisdom, if his critiques are as genius as his album titles (Examples: Hey Man, Smell My Finger and How Late Do U Have 2BB4Ur Absent?). DMX/Björk/Leah Popowich Perpetual convict + spacey swan-loving singer + A-Gut’s hot right-hand woman = After several recent stints in the slammer, and the arguably more criminal Year of the Dog... Again, DMX's next year should be spent ruining the careers of other talentless lunatics. Bjork might soften X's fiery anger (and propensity for stabbings and grand theft auto) with talk of Icelandic wilderness and other adorably twee topics. That leaves Popowich to fill Lopez's role: eye candy.
Phil Spector/Bui/Solange Knowles Another convict + champion hangover-curer + Beyoncé’s quirky lil’ sis = Bui has years of experience with unruly frat boys; even the most rambunctous fame-seeker is no match for his eggs and cheese. Thus, he will also calm Phil Spector when bad contestants send him into fits of range. Since any good Idol panel needs diversity, we look no further than Solange's buttah-smooth voice to round out this unique trio.
