As we transition from summer excess to academic studiouness, Hollywood too is laying down its machine guns in favor of more intellectual fare. Here are Street’s predictions about some of the autumnal films we are most excited to watch. Be sure to have iTunes Movie Trailers open...
LEGEND OF THE GUARDIANS: THE OWLS OF GA'HOOLE (9/24) Director: Zack Snyder About: The director of 300 brings his slow-motion battle epicness to this family tale of owl warriors. Soren, a young barn owl, joins forces with the elder owls of Ga’hoole to wage an heroic struggle against the brainwashing rulers of St. Aggie’s. Prediction: We will be there opening night. We will be stoned. Our minds will be fucking blown.
BURIED (10/8) Director: Rodrigo Cortés About: Ryan Reynolds finds himself buried six feet underground with only a cell phone, a lighter and ninety minutes worth of oxygen. Prediction: Audiences will have conflicting feelings about whether or not they want to see Ryan Reynolds get rescued.
IT'S KIND OF A FUNNY STORY (10/8) Directors: Anna Boden and Ryan Fleck About: A teenager checks himself into a psychiatric ward after having suicidal thoughts and meets a mentally disturbed though loveable Zach Galifianakis. Prediction: Mental ward patients will listen to Nick Drake and realize that their situation is actually charming!
127 HOURS (11/5) Director: Danny Boyle About: James Franco plays a mountain climber who has to drink his own urine and cut off his arm to survive an accident involving a giant boulder. Prediction: Method actor Franco will from this point on masturbate (2.5 times a day) with one hand tied behind his back.
BLACK SWAN (12/1) Director: Darren Aronofsky About: Natalie Portman plays a dancer who finds herself becoming eerily similar to the bird of the title after forming a twisted relationship with her beautiful rival, Mila Kunis. Prediction: Portman will accept her Oscar via satellite, having migrated to Florida for the winter.
SOMEWHERE (12/22) Director: Sofia Coppola About: A bad-boy actor (Stephen Dorff) recognizes the emptiness of his life when his 11-year-old daughter (Elle Fanning) makes an unexpected visit. Predictions: Dakota Fanning will add this film to her secret “Reasons Elle Must Die” list.
HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS PART I (11/19) Director: David Yates About: The gang’s all back to go camping and drag their feet until the next movie. Prediction: Hedwig will gracefully exit the franchise to pursue work on his next project, Legend of the Guardians: Owls of Ga’Hoole.
THE KING'S SPEECH (11/26 Director: Tom Hooper About: Colin Firth plays King George VI, the English monarch who overcame a terrible speech problem and boldly led his country to war. Prediction: The entire Academy will engage in history’s most refined circle jerk and award Colin Firth an Oscar for Playing a Person with a Disability.
I LOVE YOU PHILLIP MORRIS (12/3) Directors: Glenn Ficarra and John Requa About: After a bad car accident, Jim Carrey realizes he’s gay, becomes a con artist and falls in love with fellow inmate Ewan McGregor. Prediction: Despite two years of being in distribution limbo, we still won’t be ready for a Jim Carrey/Ewan McGregor anal sex scene.
TRUE GRIT (12/25) Directors: Joel and Ethan Coen About: In this remake of a John Wayne film, a U.S. Marshall (Jeff Bridges) helps a young girl track down her father’s murderer (Josh Brolin). Prediction: The word “gritty” will have to check into rehab once this film is released, suffering from exhaustion.
NOWHERE BOY (10/8) Director: Sam Taylor-Wood About: A biopic about John Lennon focusing on his childhood and relationship with his mother. Prediction: Speaking of mother, we will still be weirded out that 20-year-old actor Aaron Johnson had a baby with his 43-year-old director.
