You’ve been here a few weeks, freshmen, but don’t get comfortable. That only leads to a routine of weekly Smoke’s and Kappa Whatever visits when there are a million more things to do around Penn and Philly. We only have room for 50 suggestions but it should get you started on the right path to a fun and fattening four years. As for everyone else, it’s not too late to make up for missed time — the Sea Serpent and apple dumplings are waiting for you, though maybe you should tackle those two on different days.
1. Eat a hoagie from Koch’s (4309 Locust St.). We call them hoagies here — not subs, not heroes and definitely not grinders. There is no debate. Try to not to fill up on the free samples the man behind the counter will force you to eat — think Jewish mother but hairier.
2. Become a regular at a food cart. Free add-ons are a major perk, as is skipping to the head of the line.
3. Try to barter swipes for bulk food items at Commons — we’ve heard tubs of ice cream retail for two meals.
4. Go to the Barnes Foundation (300 N. Latches Lane, Merion) before it moves to Philadelphia from Merion. This expansive mansion filled with a crazy old dude’s impeccable Impressionist collection is closing soon and moving to a much more boring museum space. If you’re too lazy watch the one-sided but pretty great documentary, The Art of the Steal.
5. Spend a New Year’s Eve in Philadelphia and wake up the next morning to “mummer strut” down Broad Street with the parade. Hanging out on Two Street all day is a party crazier than Fling could ever hope to be.
6. Wander around the city on a First Friday. Start with the bougie galleries in Old City, drink an artisan liquor at Art in the Age and then make your way westward for real art and cheap beer in the Vox Populi building (319 N. 11th St.).
7. PhillyCarShare to the Wissahickon and go swimming in Devil’s Pool. Just don’t think about what might be in the water.
8. Develop a route that gets you everywhere in the Quad without having to go outside. This will be useful during future Spring Flings. While you’re at it try to find the “nether quad,” the creepy series of passageways beneath the basement.
9. Go to Clark Park on a Saturday morning. Grab a coffee from the Green Line (4239 Baltimore Ave.) and a breakfast taco from Honest Tom’s and settle in to watch kids and old dudes beat the shit out of each other with foam weapons. Buy out the jugs of Carlo Rossi at 40th and Market and head out to a BYO. Be bold and venture outside of Bistro la Baia and La Viola — in a city full of great Italian food, there’s no reason to eat any that sucks.
10. Spend at least an afternoon in each of the city’s four original squares — Rittenhouse, Washington, Logan and Franklin. William Penn knew what was up when it came to hanging out and designed the city as such. We hear you can BYO there too.
11. Go “down the shore,” not “to the beach” and ride the Sea Serpent until you puke.
12. See Penn play one of their cross-town rivals at the Palestra. We’ll probably lose but you might get to see Denzel.
13. Eat a South Street Special — get that cheesesteak from Jim’s (400 South St.) and wrap it up in a Lorenzo’s (305 South St.) slice. “Wiz wit” at Jim’s — but don’t you dare ask for anything on the pizza; all you’ll get is classic Philadelphia ‘tude from the guys behind the counter.
14. Forget the vodka soda — you’re living in one of the best beer cities in the U.S. Go on a tour of one of the excellent local breweries (PBC, Yards, etc) — they just get you drunk for free. Or stay in West Philadelphia and venture out to Dock Street (701 S. 50th St.). Their take-out growlers — beer brewed on premises! — are about as locavore as you can get.
15. Go to a Speakeasy at the Kelly Writers House (3805 Locust Walk) and meet some of Penn’s most talented poets and a handful of West Philadelphia’s biggest weirdos. Or hang out there any other time — there’s guaranteed to be some good food for the taking in the kitchen. And who knows, you might run into the likes of Joan Didion, Art Spiegelman or Maury Povich (Proud Penn alum!).
16. Make like Kathy Change and set yourself on fire on College Green. Or just hang out there. Make sure to stake out your territory in the eternal battle for College Green supremacy. Stoners and burnouts assemble in the southwest corner. Sorostitutes, Tabard girls and other assorted Communications majors stick to the side closest to Van Pelt.
17. Stay in Houston Hall for twenty four hours straight during finals. They bring free snacks out at around 2 a.m. Does Rosengarten do that?
18. Eat a cannoli from Isgro’s (1009 Christian St.) in the Italian Market. Then do a comparison taste test with Termini Bros (1523 S. 8th St.). Repeat.
19. Perfect the art of not making eye contact on Locust. Believe us, you won’t want to have to say hi to that weird dude from your freshman hall every time you see him.
20. Do karaoke in Chinatown. Your options include some faux-swanky clubs and strange “cool-Asian” drug fronts. Both are excessively fun. If the distance is too daunting, try Queen of Sheba (4511 Baltimore Ave.) on Thursday nights. The local flavor there is unrivaled.
21. Drink a "citywide special" at Bob and Barbara’s (1509 South St.) during the drag show Thursday nights. At $3.50 for a PBR and a shot of Jim Beam there’s no better way to get drunk on the cheap.
22. Go on the Pretzel Ride — ride your bike to the Art Museum steps every Tuesday at midnight and take off as a group. Hot pretzels await at the end — put some spicy mustard on that shit and eat up.
23. Go to the Franklin Institute (222 N. 20th St.) and hang out inside the giant heart … definitely not just for kids. Also head down the street to the Mutter Museum (19 S. 22nd St.), home of creepy medical oddities including (but not limited to) midget prostitute skeletons and preserved enlarged colons …
24 Redefine Copa Wednesdays: the real hotspot is at lunchtime when burgers are half-price. Trust us, they’re surprisingly delicious.
25. Watch the annual Penn Relays Weekend Step Show and tell your roommates you could totally step at that level if you put the work in, even though that is completely untrue.
26. Get a flu shot at Student Health (3535 Market St.). It’s nothing special — we just don’t want you getting us sick.
27 Take a turn on the Spring Fling Carnival moon bounce. You don’t get many opportunities to moon bounce at Penn, so you have to take what you can get.
28. Buy an overpriced loaf of bread from Metropolitan Bakery (4013 Walnut St.) before a football game and use it as a delicious pre-game snack instead of a third quarter projectile.
29. Compile an enemies list throughout the year so you’re prepared for submitting to our Shoutouts issues.
30. Participate in The Zombie Prom or The Zombie Crawl. The former’s a great place to hear “The Monster Mash” and the latter’s the biggest meeting of stumbling people this side of Fling Saturday Morning.
31. Requisite corny listing: Volunteer in a West Philly educational program like Community School Student Partnerships or Mighty Writers. You really can make a difference in these kids’ lives and feel good about yourself while doing it.
32 Walk to Bartram’s Garden (54th St. and Lindbergh Blvd.) in the armpit of Southwest Philly. Do this on a warm spring day while inebriated and you’ll feel like you stumbled upon the Garden of Eden.
33. Buy out the jugs of Carlo Rossi at 40th and Market and head out to a BYO. Be bold and venture outside of Bistro la Baia and La Viola — in a city full of great Italian food, there’s no reason to eat any that sucks.
34. Spend some time at the Penn Museum of Archaelogy and Anthropology (3260 South St.) and the Institute of Contemporary Art (195 22nd St.) , Philly’s best examples of the oldest and newest art you can think of. Bonus: both are free with your PennCard.
35. Tolerate the jags in the Philomathean Society long enough to get access to the roof of College Hall. The view and feelings of importance are totally worth it. Plus, free wine.
36. See some movies at the International House (3701 Chestnut St.). They’ve usually got awesome screenings going on and have hella clout so they get some great speakers too.
37 Go to a Phillies game and eat dollar dogs until you puke. Standing room tickets are the way to go - you’ll need the extra cash for beer at $7.25 a pop and you get a great view on the third base line.
38. Smoke a doobie at the Biopond any day that isn’t 4/20.
39. On that note, pissing on Ben Franklin and doing it under the Button are for losers — true badasses go skinny dipping in the Biopond.
40. Join a flash mob!
41. Bring your wallet and your appetite to Reading Terminal Market (51 N. 12th St.). Amish apple dumplings to die for and Oprah-approved mac and cheese are some standouts.
42. Steal a Tabard lunchbox and realize that the contents are actually really, really boring. Bonus points if you can do this without being choked with a pair of green American Apparel leggings.
43. Make it through Spring Fling without a) showing us more of yourself than anyone cares to see (F U Mask and Wig), b) participating in animal cruelty (we’re looking at you, Zete) or c) puking (ATTN: everyone). We promise, you can still have fun.
44. Go to the food trucks outside of Pottruck and then sit outside the window and watch people work out. Kim’s Kung Pao chicken tastes way better than skinny feels.
45. Go to the Penn Book Center (130 S. 34th St. ) any week that isn’t the beginning of classes. They have incredible deals on all the books you’ll buy for fun but will never have time to read.
46. Settle the debate once and for all. The first person to bring an O to the Street office from Cream and Sugar (4004 Spruce St.) or the Last Word (220 S. 40th St.) gets their face on the cover.
47. Order a root beer float from Evan’s Varsity Pizza (4311 Locust St.). See what happens.
48. Paint the Button with a giant pentagram and stage a protest in support of Satan on Locust Walk across from that crazy preacher dude. Pics or it didn’t happen.
49. “Take a class in an area that you never thought you would. Explore your boundaries; you can do anything you set your mind to!” - Your Mom. But actually she’s right. Enroll in Kenny G’s experimental writing seminar or paint a mural in a Philadelphia neighborhood. There’s more to life than ECON-001.
50. Get gossiped about in Street. That’s when you’ve officially made it.
