by Your Stoned Roommate
Yesterday when you asked me what time it was, it just so happened to be 4:20. It was probably a direct message from God, telling me that I need to solidify my 4/20 plans. So naturally, in order to come up with the best possible ideas, I blazed. And then you asked me what time it was and I was like “Time to get a watch” but then, since I’m not a total jerk, I said, “It’s 4:40” and you were like, “4:40? I wish I had four forties.” Then I laughed so hard, remember? I was like, pretty much about to fall out of my chair. Except I was sitting on the floor. So it was a floor chair. Wait, why don’t they have those? I’m going to make a million bucks designing floor chairs. They’ve gotta have cup holders though. I’m so sick of holding this milkshake.
I don’t know what I’d do with a milli. I’d spend, what, like, 25 or 30 percent of it on making it rain? Then I’d pile it all up in huge stacks around me on a mahogany desk and have someone take my picture. I’d have to be wearing that thing, you know. What’s that thing? The accessory rich people wear? It’s like, shiny and singular. Yeah, dude, exactly! A monocle. So then I’d have a sick Facebook profile pic and probably a couple hundred bucks left and I’d buy some Bugles and a Coca Cola Icee and a pack of Kraft American Cheese Singles. Those things are packed with calcium. Oh, and I’d order a Construction Zone from D.P. Dough. Delivery, thank you very much. And a yellow Gatorade. And a house for my mom.
Anyway, what are we going to do for 4/20? That reminds me of Pinky and the Brain. Like, Brain would say to me, if I asked him that, “The same thing we do every 4/20. Try to take over the world!” Do you think we could find that show on the internet? Woah, we definitely could. If you think about it, the internet is so messed up. I mean, what is the deal with that thing? I heard that it isn’t even infinite. Like, eventually, it will be full. Then we’ll be stuck watching the same, tired YouTube clips, year after year. Our fucking kids will still be watching that sneezing panda. I’m sorry to be such a downer, but there’s no way I can think about party planning at a time like this.
[Ed. Note. This stuff is all made up.]
