Our generation as a tendency toward the superlative. You’re taking the stupidest class, your trip was the amazingest vacation ever, and that eager beaver in your seminar is just the worst. Half of us posed for Most Likely to Succeed in our yearbooks when all we really wanted to win was Hottest Hottie. And let’s be honest, everyone and everything at Penn wants to be (or, more commonly, thinks they are) the best at something.
Well, wake up, losers. We can’t all be the best. Fro Gro, you will never be the best grocery store. Ever. And as hard as you try, Fighting Quaker, you’re never going to be in the running for Best Mascot to Intimidate the Opposition. But for once, you all had the chance to do the ranking. And for all of you who voted, Street salutes you as Best Person Ever at Penn. Congrats. Here are the places, Pennstitutions and activities to which you’ve said, “Place/Pennstitution/activity, you the bestest.”
BEST PLACE TO BECOME ABSOLUTELY ENRAGED WHEN ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS EAT
Houston Hall Salad Line
It’s not like the line doesn’t move fast. It’s just stressful. Even deciding to file in with that jumble of cranky omnivores adds anxiety to your already fragile psyche. But you do it because the salads are fresh and low-cal and bursarable, you can add whatever you want to them, they come in those Eco-friendly boxes and basically … they rule. But beware, it’s not your time you sacrifice, it’s your mental health. Just as you think, ‘Sheesh, I’m all the way back by the prepared salads fridge; this is gonna take forever,’ the lettuce placer yells for your lettuce preference. This gets your blood pumping. You’re totally ready to rattle off ingredients. But sorry, you just got punked. The lettuce bowl back-up means you have to wait. When it’s finally your turn you realize that the bitch in front of you just took the last of the portabellas. Deep breath. It’s fine. You move to the dressing station where you ask for just balsamic but the dresser adds oil too. Ugh. In the end, it’s not exactly what you wanted and your anxiety is higher than it is during reading days, but you’ve got your lunch. And let’s be honest; you’ll go back tomorrow because really, this emotional rollercoaster is the best ride in the park.
BEST PLACE TO GET YOUR HERMIT ON
Van Pelt Fourth Floor Stacks
Not a peep. Not a sound. If you are a caveman, these stacks will do you justice. You can don your most hooded cloak, encase yourself in a pile of obscure 19th century books and original sources on Pygmies and create a nest for your hermitic self. You will see no one, because just like you, no one wants to be seen. It is as though a great Invisibility Cloak has descended upon your personage, and you will find the same is the case for every other soul in this realm. Upon exiting the fourth floor elevators, people in the lounge will gaze at you, waiting to see if you will be joining their more social quarters. But alack, you will not. You will soldier on to the back of the stacks and you will wait for your perception of reality to be distorted. You don’t have to be studying to relegate yourself to the stacks. You don’t even have to be blessed with unfortunate social awkwardness which impinges on your ability to communicate with normal people. You just have to have an itch for isolation, a scratch for self-segregation and then — and only then — will you be able to fully get your hermit on.
BEST PLACE TO TAKE A SECRET POOP
Van Pelt
Everybody poops, but not everyone is cool enough to doodie on campus. For those willing to take the plunge, there’s one defecation location that gets the poopoo prize. Right behind the Van Pelt elevators, there are single-use toilets, and they are your friend. When you’re toiling away at a study carrel and you’ve gotta go, the choice is obvious. Slide away from your desk, leave your computer with a study buddy and make your way to the poop palace for one on the floor of your choice. The rooms are spacious and no one’s going to hear you (gross) unless they’re waiting in line. If these bathrooms are too close to the center of the action for your poo-shy personality, try heading back to the second set of elevators where an even lesser-known bathroom awaits you. You can’t lock the door behind you, but the location will likely keep your poop a secret.
BEST CAMPUS BUILDING YOU'LL PROBABLY NEVER GO TO
Hollenback Center
You’ve never been to the Hollenback Center because, well, it’s impossible to get to. Isolated by the ongoing construction on the South Street Bridge, a normally long walk becomes a longer one over a combination of temporary bridges and paths. Once there, it houses an unlikely combination of programs: the ROTC program and WQHS, Penn’s student radio station. The building itself doesn’t have much to offer — like DRL, it resembles a high school from the set of a bad B-movie (albeit with an excellent view of Philadelphia from the boys' bathroom) but WQHS’s programming offers an interesting alternative to commercial radio stations. Check them out 24/7 at WQHS.org and contact the station if you’re interested in hosting a show of your own.
BEST PLACE TO FEEL LIKE AN UNDERCLASSMAN WHO DOESN'T BELONG
Smoke’s
Ever want to be reminded that you are under 21, and that you still have at least two years of college ahead of you? No problem. Just head to Smoke’s. In all likelihood, the bouncer, probably a self-important athlete, will tell you and your shitty fake to scram. But if your older sister’s ID fares well enough, prepare for upperclassmen to make you feel like you’re encroaching on their turf. After all, isn’t the official 40th Street Pennstitution really just a watering hole for grumpy seniors to feel like they have something left, and for 21+ juniors to feel more important than their fake-toting peers? Anyway, see you Tuesday for Kweder. Just leave your freshman girlfriend at home, please.
BEST DRESSED PROFESSOR
André Dombrowski, Art History
Of course the most stylish member of Penn’s faculty would be European. Hailing from Germany, Professor Dombrowski studies the oh-so-fashionable Impressionists and material culture of the mid to late 19th century. While he bemoans the “business-y” attire of many Penn students and encourages them to “mix it up,” he’s happy that we at least care about style, even if it's not his favorite. For more couture eye-candy (of both the slide lecture and living, breathing variety) check out his class in Fall 2010, ARTH 285: Impressionism.
BEST TECHNOLOGICAL FAILURE
AirPennNet
...or should we say FailPennNet. Our not-so-beloved Internet server seems to always bail on us when we need it most. Like in Astronomy class. Or past 38th Street. And once you get knocked off or get a new computer, it takes a PennConnect CD — or a small miracle — to re-enter 801.2X land . Have an “excellent” connection? Just kidding! You’re on AirPennNet-Guest, and unless you’re a Guest (which, apparently, none of us are), you are barred from access. The unreliability and general awfulness of AirPennNet, including its moniker (three consecutive ‘n’’s, anyone?) truly boggles the mind, especially given the number of Penn students who could likely fix it with a few mouse clicks. Come on Penn wireless gods, there’s no way “Authenticating” really takes this long.
BEST PLACE TO AVOID RODENT INFESTATION
Trader Joe’s
Since the great mouse infestation of February, we have all been rightfully hesitant to revisit the aisles of our neighborhood FroGro. Cleanliness has proven to outweigh convenience in the world of college grocery-ing. The trip to 21st and Market is a bit of a hike from our University City bubble, but Trader Joe’s is well worth the effort. At Trader Joe’s, standard grocery staples are mixed with more exotic finds like imported pre-made foods and organic produce. The best part is that the increase in quality doesn’t mean that you’ll be paying more for your buys. Make sure to start sucking up to your friends with cars because you’ll need a way to cart your bags the fifteen blocks back to campus. Superior food and a health code that is up to par? Trader Joe’s has definitely earned its Best of Penn title.
BEST PLACE TO CATCH LIVE MUSIC ON CAMPUS
The Rotunda
Considering The Rotunda was also a candidate for “Best Campus Building You’ll Probably Never Go To,” this generally awesome venue may need some explaining. The Rotunda, just west of 40th on Walnut, is that big, domed building that looks like a nice frat house on steroids. Its serves as an arts hall for both Penn and West Philly, offering a smorgasbord of performing arts — spoken word, improv and other endeavors are well represented. However, the venue is most frequented for its array of musical offerings. These include The Gathering, a monthly celebration of hip-hop culture, and the last two SPEC Jazz and Grooves shows, which have featured several indie buzz bands. The Rotunda is, in function, an excellent concert hall, though perhaps its greatest role is protecting the arts in the sometimes too-pre-professional Pennvironment.
BEST ON/NEAR CAMPUS BYO
1920 Commons
While the repetitive offerings and the sterile ambiance may make Commons a less-than-ideal daily dining experience, adding a smuggled water bottle filled with your favorite liquor into your Liberty Plan will be sure to spice up dinner. The appeal of Commons is in its ease. There’s no cab ride downtown, no annoying check to divide up and certainly no pesky waiters, just Bon Appetit ready to make you feel at home with a simple swipe of your PennCard. The unlimited buffet of mix-and-match mediocre food will satisfy your drunchies and your under-used meals — moocher a friend or prospective hook-up for even more BYO fun. Commons also helps start your night early at a “restaurant” that closes at 7 p.m. While your friends are just beginning to pre-game, you’ll already have a post-dinner buzz.
BEST TYPE OF CLASS IN WHICH TO WITNESS ABSOLUTE IDIOCY
Writing Seminar
Leave it to Penn’s most dreaded requirement to bring out the worst in the Penn student body. In some twisted alternate universe, it was planned that the critical writing seminar would refine one’s prose while encouraging exploration of a focused area of study. Needless to say, straw man and Nestorian order essays aren’t exactly stimulating, and students’ lack of excitement becomes evident in the classroom. Aside from dozing off and BBM-ing, lending ill-advised insight to class discussion is the primary pastime, and with a host of thrilling topics to choose from, you can rest assured that your eager freshmen classmates will offer some pearls of wisdom. They may share their broad understanding of bursar and dining dollars in “The Meaning of Money” or their insight on the latest issue of US Weekly in “Everyday Journalism.” Let’s not even try to guess what happens in “How to Do Things with Words,” but it’s probably pretty bleak. As for turning in assignments on time, asking for an extension on a two paragraph essay is not exactly getting college started on the right foot.
BEST CULTURAL PERK THAT NOBODY TAKES ADVANTAGE OF
Rare Book & Manuscript Library
After a day spent in Van Pelt, it might prove therapeutic to hop on the elevator and glide up to the sixth floor. Peruse the collection of rare manuscripts, books, letters and images in the Rare Book & Manuscript Library. Just try to find it in your heart to stay angry about that religious studies paper due tomorrow when confronted with a church document from the 15th century. With an extensive collection emphasizing the humanities, this might work as a motivation boost with just about any subject. While you’re up there, explore the vast collection of subjects ranging from the Koran to Philadelphia agriculture. With works spanning over five centuries, you’re sure to find some cultural gem that reaffirms your faith in your education. But still, if you’re not the sentimental type, take a moment to shudder at those long, uninterrupted blocks of texts written in indecipherable calligraphy. You may find a new appreciation for your textbooks — and their pictures.
BEST WASTE OF OUR TUITION MONEY
Highrise Furniture
In a year when Penn’s tuition eclipsed the $50,000 mark, we celebrate the best way that the University chooses to waste our parents' hard-earned cash: the very furniture that cushes the tushes of high-rise residents and Student Health haunts alike. Just take the loveseat-esque chairs that furnish the lobbies of each of the high-rises. These chairs are famous and cost just about as much as high-rise rent does. Called “Womb Chairs” and designed by the Finnish architect Eero Saarinen, who also designed Hill, these seats cost about $3,000 each (the ottoman alone is $1,200). Other pieces of note and hefty expense are sprinkled across campus – Saarinen’s Executive Armchair ($1,400) and Side Tables ($1,250) furnish the lobby at Student Health. Italian artist Harry Bertoia’s Diamond Chair ($300) appears in each high-rise suite, and prolific architect Ludwig Mies van der Rohe’s Bruno Tubular chairs ($1,800) populate Harrison’s Mezzanine Lounge.
BEST NEW DESSERT SPOT
Kiwi Yogurt
Chocolate or vanilla? Coffee or peanut butter? Tart or strawberry? Indecisiveness. Besides the few vanilla-only people who contently choose the bland basic at every ice cream establishment, the rest of us more adventurous eaters like variety. Most ice cream or fro-yo parlors force you to opt for one flavor or one topping — what could be more boring? For the indecisive eater, Kiwi, the Chesnut St. self-serve fro-yo bar formerly known as Sprinkles, removes the necessity for a single choice. After you browse the daily selection of base yogurts (Red Velvet is a newer addition to the repertoire), the creative flavor-combining begins. Some certainly elect to take a little of everything, enjoying the literal melting pot of flavors, and while we do not suggest such pairings, we do not scorn them either. But the real fro-yo addicts skillfully divide their cups into flavor sections, tart with fresh blackberries on one side and peanut butter with Reeses and captain crunch on the other side. While prices can be steep, most agree the variety and colorful spoons make it worth the extra bucks.
BEST CVS
39th and Walnut
Sure, the 34th and Walnut CVS is great for getting a snack during the break of your three-hour class at Fisher Bennett. And sure, the 43rd St. location is best for making discreet purchases — like wart removal ointment or adult diapers or very specific itch medication (or all three at once, not that we have ever had to do that) — without the risk of running into a classmate. But only one CVS still has flu shots available. Only one CVS is close enough to Chipotle to buy anti-indigestion medicine before the mild sauce hits your intestines. And only one CVS always has tons of Bumpits in stock. It’s the one on 39th and Walnut. Plus, according to the weekly store circular, it’s running a buy-one-get-one-free sale on all Revlon foundation, powder, blush and concealer. Score.
BEST PUBLIC ART PIECE YOU DIDN'T KNOW WAS FAMOUS
Peace Symbol by Robert Engman
With Calder, Indiana, and Oldenberg sculptures as present on campus as under-age drinking, it's clear that Penn takes its art collection very seriously. However, it’s Robert Engman’s Peace Symbol that students value most. With its delicate, steel frame and its placement on an unassuming patch of grass outside of Van Pelt, Engman’s sculpture has stood as a quiet but powerful reminder of student activism and the struggle for tranquility since 1967. Formerly a sculpture professor at Penn, Engman was approached to design a work for activist students to rally around at the height of the Vietnam War protests. Though it briefly faced the threat of removal, the Peace Symbol has regained prominence as a place of protests for generations of Penn students. Awww, you guys, we knew that beneath those power hungry, pre-professional exteriors, you just wanted world peace.
BEST PLACE FOR YOUR ROOMMATE TO BE FROM
Not the US
One of the biggest sources of anxiety for pre-freshmen arriving at college is whether or not they’ll get along with their assigned roommates. Fortunately for some, Penn attracts a plethora of international students each year, so there’s plenty of foreign goodness to spread around. A roommate who hails from outside the United States lends an air of exoticism to any household. For starters, there’s that impossibly charming accent; you just can’t help but swoon over dropped Rs and elongated vowels. The multitude of cultural misunderstandings is sure to fuel hours of laughs. Although it’s not your Chilean roommate’s fault, after all, that when he laments about not being able to find Bimbo in West Philly, you confuse his desire for a packaged pound cake with a questionable moral standing. And while you can always count on your dear European for fashion advice or hair product, you can’t predict when she’ll intrude on your midnight cram session with fist-pumping house music. But hey, at least maybe he can finagle you through the door of the Owls downtown…
BEST JOGGING ROUTE TO KICKSTART YOUR WORKOUT REGIMEN
Schuylkill River Trail
After months of bleak winter confinement to Pottruck (and by Pottruck, we mean your couch), the prospect of spring and its accompanying lack of clothing might light a fire under your ass. It’s about time to grab your running shoes from under the dust bunnies and old blue books under your bed and pound the streets in the name of fitness. The key to make your running regimen a habit is to find the perfect route in a city that is otherwise jogging hell. The perilously uneven sidewalks, stoplights at every corner and prospect of literally running, red-faced and shvitzing, into people you know necessitates a route that is convenient but out of the way. And while the Schuylkill is gross for many reasons, it is great for exactly this purpose. Head down the stairs to tone those glutes and power past the crew kids at Boathouse Row. You’ll be ready for the Broad Street Run in no time.
HAPPIEST HAPPY HOUR
Mad Mex
While new big bars have popped up near Chestnut, and Smoke’s and Blarney still rule the night bar scene, there’s nowhere happier in the late afternoon than Mad4. With a location that is literally steps away from your last class of the day (bleurgh), it’s the perfect place to sip away your seminar sorrows. Their food specials for students and Big Azz margs are easy on the tummy and easy on the wallet. And for corporate clones in training, drinking immediately after a long stressful day of … two lectures … is perfect practice for future schmooze and booze opportunities. If nothing else, it makes treks from campus to home bearable — thanks, tequila jacket!
