Christina Corletta Freshman, CAS 2.5 Stars
Since her release in August of 1991, Christina Corletta has demonstrated curiosity, a love of horses and, as her mom pointed out many times between 2005 and 2008, a crippling “boy-craziness.” There were always a handful of Christina superfans, including Pop-Pop Corletta and Aunt Helen, but mainstream audiences missed many of the successes of her early years. Such triumphs included a solid rendition of “You Are My Sunshine” at the 1996 Siwanoy Elementary School Winter Recital and the first time she wrote her name in cursive.
However, for many outside the Corletta-owned split level on Gordonhurst Ave., the immaturity that marked Christina’s early days was off-putting. Said a Siwanoy Times Gazette critic in 2003, “Like my niece Kimberley-Anne, Christina shows great potential. Potential that will not be reached, however, until her overbite is corrected and she loses the rolling backpack.”
Corletta’s first big comeback of the century came in 2009, when she issued the following personal statement: “The 217th page of my autobiography will be blank, since the book will be 216 pages long and most books have that one extra piece of paper in the back. You know what I’m talking about? Also, I grow a lot as a person due to an experience described on page 167.”
Now Corletta walks our very own esteemed halls, making a splash in Butcher 204 with her propensity toward, as she puts it, “partying super hard during the weekend, but really buckling down to study the rest of the time.” Based on this quote, as well as her frequent usage of the term “Van Party,” it seems that the once childish 19-year-old has a firm grasp on how to succeed at a Social Ivy.
This freshman still has things to learn, and her tendency to pronounce supposedly as “supposebly” could prove disastrous, but she’s well on her way to happiness, both in college and the years to follow. Ed Note: This section is completely fictional.
