By The Roommate Who Will Not Always Be There For You
Every Tuesday, when you have your friends over to watch Lost, I do as I’m told and sit quietly in my room. I don’t comment on the kid who rubs dirt on his face and wears an authentic Dharma Initiative jumpsuit with his name embroidered on the breast pocket, or mock the guy who scrawls nonsensical equations and diagrams in a leather notebook branded with “FARRADAY.” When the show is over and you all gab and gab about Dharma this and Greg that and “Oh my god we have to go back! Blah blah blah,” I give you your space.
I don’t have a problem with any of it. Honestly, I respect the enthusiasm! All I ask is that on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays from 5:30 — 6:00 p.m. and 6:00 — 6:30 p.m., Saturdays from noon to 12:30 p.m., and Sundays from 11:30 p.m. to midnight, you offer me the same courtesy. See, I’m inches away from understanding some of the biggest mysteries in Friends, and I can no longer tolerate your loud-mouthed, walking in front of the television at the worst possible time, “Haven’t you seen this one, like, a million times?” attitude.
What’s that? None of this rings a bell? Here’s a perfect example. Last week you really messed with my concentration while I was watching “The One that Could Have Been: Part 2,” in which the show presents an alternate universe. Chandler is a writer, Rachel almost sleeps with Joey, and Monica weighs 255 pounds. Show creators David Crane and Marta Kauffman have been tight-lipped on the significance of this alt-timeline, but just look at the digits in Monica’s weight: 2, 5, 5. Punch those into your calculator with some plus signs and you’ll find that the sum is 12. The episode is part TWO, so divide 12 by 2 and what do you get? SIX. That’s the number of friends! Who knows what other numerology-based clues may present themselves when I examine the episode’s threesome storyline. I’ll tell you who doesn’t know: you. Could you have picked a worse time to vacuum?
It’s like tonight when you were running through the house like some kind of cry-baby freak because your dog died. I was trying to watch “The One With The Jellyfish,” and Phoebe’s twin sister Ursula had literally just appeared, opening my eyes to the show’s twins motif. Remember how Joey discovers he has a hand-twin when the friends go to Las Vegas? Remember how Phoebe gave birth to twins (and also one other kid at the same time)? I still don’t know how it adds to the overall mythology of the show, but I probably could have figured out if you weren’t shoving pictures of some puppy that I’ve never even met in my face.
Next week, TBS is going to play “The One with Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.” I swear to God, if you come in and start telling me about your day and I miss the robotics/artificial intelligence clues, I’ll tell you every single Lost spoiler available on the world wide web.
Ed Note: The content in this section is true. On opposite day!
