Lately, the Penn Video Network has been playing the 2006 teen comedy, John Tucker Must Die. For obvious reasons, I’m not thrilled about it. People at this school are so impressionable it’s embarrassing. I don’t want anyone to see this movie — or gosh, even the title — and get any ideas. I share very few qualities with the movie’s John Tucker, played in award-worthy fashion by-up-and-coming hunk Jesse Metcalfe.
For one, he has brown hair, and mine is dirty blonde. He is the star forward of his high school basketball team, and I was the star point guard of mine. He dates three girls at once, claiming to each that she is his only love, and I am currently only pulling this on Jennifer Stone and Stephanie Hutchinson. That’s two people, not three. John Tucker and I could not be more different.
Still, I fear that people will automatically assume I am just like the character, and due to the title of the film, they will feel the need to kill me. But I have so much to live for, like these two girls that I’m dating at the same time! Every night, it’s a delicious Jennifer meal for dinner and a hearty helping of Stephanie for dessert. This would be a terrible time for me to die.
So all I’m asking is that despite what the title of this movie says, nobody tries to kill me. I am my own John Tucker, and should not be judged by the actions of a fictional one. Also, don’t let Jennifer or Stephanie read this, because I can’t stress it enough — I really have a good thing going right now.
