Hey guys! All That's Ashley here (that's me!) to answer this week’s tweens pressing issues. Read on to hear my smart and sassy advice, because remember, I'm the older sister you wish you always had.
Dear Ashley, Every day in Social Studies I sit behind Kimberly and every day in Language Arts she sits next to me too. She has really shiny hair and really shiny butterfly clips in it. She has the coolest light up sketchers and when she walks away, I can’t stop staring at them/her. I think I love her Ashley! But I don’t know how to get her to notice me because I don’t have light-up sketchers and all the other kids call me Fatty McLovehandles but my mom tells me it’s just because we have big bones in my family. Help me win her heart forever Ashley. —Boy in love with the prettiest girl in the world
Dear ‘Boy,’ We know how you feel. We were once young and in love too. But we quickly realized that the fat kid never gets out of the “friend zone.” We know from experience that pretty girls with Sketchers just don’t talk to fat boys. She’ll probably go on to date Tommy, the all-star basketball stud, and you will have to settle for your right hand. But don’t worry, let this be a life lesson: don’t aim too high because you will fail. —Ash
Dear Ashley, I’m Beth Jessum, but you can call me BJ because almost everyone does except my Mommy and my Daddy. I am in Ms. Kelly’s 2nd grade class at Abingdon Elementary School. On Saturday, my sister Ginny and her friends had a slumber party and I heard them talking about a something ‘blowjob’, and I don’t know what that is. Ginny was like “it was so small and hairy and gross” and the only thing I can think of is our chubby little cocker spaniel named Ronnie J, but I’ve never seen her blow on him before and she hasn’t had a job at the ice cream store since last summer. Then her friend Courtney was like “if you cup his balls then he’ll come like he’s never come before,” but why would you put a ball in a cup when you put chocolate milk in a cup. And maybe she was talking about when Ronnie J went to the vet when he was a puppy because he was too wide. What were they talking about, Ashley? Left out and confused, —BJ
Dear BJ, We here at Tiger Street feel like honesty is always the best policy, so we’re going to tell it to you straight. We believe your sister was referring to the intimate sexual act between two consenting adults called the blowjob, which is also known as: fellatio, fellation, oral sex, head, deep throat, dome, cock-sucking and going down. This act involves one partner placing their mouth on the other’s penis and performing a repetitive sucking motion – kind of like licking a Tootsie Pop – until orgasm is reached. For further information please seek Ms. Kelly, or your parents, for advice. And remember, don’t go around sucking dicks unless you really really love somebody. —Ash
Dear Ashley, Yesterday my friend and I got into a fight. See, there’s this new really cool pop singer called Brittany Speers and the thing is, we really like her new song ‘Hit Me Baby One More Time’ so we had our moms drop us off at the mall to go to the CD store and buy the CD. So we used our allowance and each bought the CD but when we got back in the car, we both opened our CDs and she got the pink one and I got the blue one!!!!!!!!! Which is really annoying because I wanted the pink one because pink is my favorite color and everyone knows that and it’s so unfair because she wouldn’t trade me! How can I get her to give me the pink CD? —Brittany’s Fiercest Fan, xoxox
Dear BFF, We know what it’s like when you don’t get your way. But come on BFF, do you really think you deserve the CD simply because pink is your favorite color? You don’t. And you should’ve learned to share in Kindergarten. —Ash
Dear Ashley, Every time we have Gym class all the other boys take off all of their clothing to get changed. When they take off their clothes their parts don’t look like my parts. So, I always sneak into the bathroom and all the other boys make fun of me because they think I’m hiding something. My pee-pee is just a lot bigger than their pee-pees and it’s really embarrassing for me because I just want to be like everyone else. Can you help me Ashley? —Big Penus
Dear Penus boy, You should be taking off your clothing and showing off your big penis to everyone who asks. Because being different is cool and it’s nothing to be embarrassed about and having a big penis is even cooler. The other boys are just jealous of your well-endowed self. Trust us, when you hit puberty, you’ll be the last one laughing. P.S. Call us when you’re 18. —Ash
