Guide To: A Joyous Samhain Bonfire
The last year has been rough: Mischa Barton never made her comeback (we’ll love you always and forever Coop), handjobs are slutty again and your fixie’s spokes are all busted. BUMMER. But dude, don’t fret. Samhain is here to make it all better. Starting the new year afresh, leaving all emotional baggage rooted firmly in the past — now doesn’t that sound like a wonderful idea? Well the Samhain Bonfire happens to be a jolly good way to combine this emotional cleansing with traditional Samhain fun. Now we know what you must be thinking: bonfire = massive safety hazard. And besides, where could one get that much wood (and no, we don’t mean at a frat house — wink, wink)? But we’ve done all the hard work, so you don’t have to. So sit back, relax and try to visualize where you left your multi-purpose shovel as you read the Street Guide to Joyous Samhain Bonfires.
1. The first rule to any Samhain Bonfire is to keep it natural. No trashcans for we Samhainers! It’s all about digging a 12-inch pit in the ground and rubbing some dirt on our cheeks for good measure. Bee tee dubs, digging a hole helps to avoid the fire spreading to unwanted areas, duh. And bee tee dubs part deux, the Samhain spirits act kindlier to those who look dirty and therefore homeless.
2. Stack wood in the pit as you would stack logs in a log cabin. Or for the less architecturally inclined: make a Lincoln Log palace (delicately and in rectangular fashion, leaving a hole in the middle). This hole, as you shall come to find out, is to be filled with newspaper, twigs or woodchippings — fodder for the ensuing flames.
3. Take some matches. Light the bonfire at different points in the center. SAFETY WARNING: You may be tempted to throw yourself in because it looks all pretty and warm and shiny. Or, because you’ve had such a deplorable year. We say nay.
4. And now collect several items that warrant burning. (Always here to set the example, here’s what Lowbrow will be burning this Samhain Night: Play-Doh, our Craigslist heartbreak and ne’er-do-well Leprechauns). And throw them in the fire whilst proclaiming the following customary words: Beltane be gone! Samhain be here! And let the past be out of here.
