Although busy with her demanding 60-hour workweek, Rachel S-S manages to find time to bring you all the drama.
Tuesday morning 11:00 AM: Sitting in her cubicle like an essentially worthless worker bee confined to its honey-comb, forced to perform its widget-like duties all for the benefit of the Queen, Rachel monotonously enters data into her Excel spreadsheet. She meticulously punches each key; like a daddy longlegs crawling across the keyboard, each nail tap-tap-taps away. Although she should concentrate on stock prices, inventories, purchase orders and other important business-y things, her mind always wanders to the only thing that really matters in life: Craig. Why hasn’t he accepted my Facebook friend request? Is it because he’s totally crushing on my biggest intern rival, Chastity Wesleyan Yale Williamson IV? Her eyes are too far apart anyway… their children would be uglier than if he and I… She sighs, looking up at her Excel doc. Oh no! Cells 32F-42F read CRAIG CRAIG CRAIG. Chastity is a parasite slowly sucking the sweet nectar that is Craig out of Rachel’s withering daffodil of life. She needs to be exterminated. If only Rachel could quietly and conveniently dispose of her. Like, feed her to a needy shark off the Jersey shore who is looking for a fix. He could pop her in his mouth like Adderall: so easy, the risk analysis only rendering minor negative consequences relative to the major benefits. In reality, unfortunately, Rachel knew that the only way to Craig’s precious, priceless heart would be to turn up the charm and impress him at this coming weekend’s company picnic, which is exactly what she planned to do. And then, as in the poetic, flowing lines of Taylor Swift’s “You Belong With Me,” the one with the purest heart and truly genuine intentions (Rachel, obvi) will prevail.
