Acronym for a (CHILDREN'S) Hospital: CHOP
Exploitation of the Penn Name: Pennacle What are you? Who are you? Nobody knows! What the fuck is a Pennacle? There is no excuse for this lame hijacking of the good ol' Penn name, unless you misspelled Pinnacle, in which case this is sad.
Place to Get Caught Without a Bulletproof Vest: Philly Diner If we learned one thing from our mothers it was that we should never leave the house without our bulletproof vests. As safe as Allied Barton Security guards make us feel, we'd never be caught dead west of 38th without suitable protection. And if there is one place where we take extra care, it's Penn’s token (24-hour?) eatery: Philly Diner. Shootouts abound, Philly Diner is fucking scary. So be prepared.
Simulation of Real Life: MGMT 100
Abbreviation For Meningitis: The Menge/The Gitis (It’s a tie!) Certain members of the Penn community decided to jest about the epidemic, a cathartic means of dealing with their Cipro-withdrawal nightmare. This might explain the stream of bizarre abbreviations and nicknames for the icky-icky disease that surfaced almost immediately after the first warning. There was no clear winner as most were pretty dreadful, but the Menge and the Gitis seemed to reign in popular usage. Other fun ones include McCox or Penningitis. Sad. But true.
Bromance: Amy Gutmann and Leah Popowich Too much time hangin’ with Amy? Yes, it is possible.
Narrative As Told by FroGro Product Placement: Lubricant/Pregnancy Tests/Baby Formula (front of store display case) The people of FroGro sure know how to tell a morbid tale. Right by the cashiers and at the front of the store for everyone to see, lies a magical cabinet filled with morality. The cabinet is locked. Why, you ask? It is simple enough. This glass cabinet contains lubricant, pregnancy tests and baby formula — everything a promiscuous woman-turned-baby-momma might need on a rainy Saturday afternoon. By placing the lubricant next to the pregnancy tests next to the baby formula, FroGro is telling you that fornication is bad. So beware. Or you too could be red-faced and standing in front of that cabinet, wishing you’d found the condoms first.
Grade: F Womp womp.
Budget Cut: Amy Gutmann’s Meal Plan The economy sucks and Penn is tightening the ole money belt. Even Amy Gutmann has made a personal sacrifice by cutting back the best way she knows how: on food. In good Penn spirit Amy has decided to put money before everything else, even eating. She has abandoned her meal plan in an effort to not only elude the economic apocalypse but also improve her performance as president. Now that we think of it, she really does hoard the hash browns at Hill’s Sunday brunch. So, good thinking budget committee, we have a feeling that this fiscal year is going to be a good one.
Use of American Apparel: Girl Talk Concert It’s just not okay to parade yourselves around Philadelphia wearing head-to-toe neon spandex outfits assembled in the American Apparel fitting rooms. We understand that the “social pressures that be” forced you to jump on the bandwagon and head to the Girl Talk extravaganza, even if you had never heard of him (that’s 99.9% of concert-goers by our estimates). However, decking yourself out in such stupid outfits makes you look even more, well, stupid. Stop. Before you get mobbed by hippie communists screaming “down with capitalism.”
Use of Space: The Radian’s “Now Leasing” Sign
Use of Bursar: N/A Bursar is the best invention of all time. For some reason Penn decided to credit its poor (read: cheap) college students $1000 of their parents' money each month to spend at countless Penn approved locales. With a swipe of your Penn card you can buy things; it’s like magic. Is there a bad way to milk your parents for all they’re worth? No. Once you’ve graduated it’s the end of that gravy train. So before your Penn card is voided, why don’t you treat yourself to a free lunch, new iPod or some mom-approved condoms perhaps? Bursar away! And if your dad asks you about those mysterious $6.33 charges, just tell them Penn has started charging for library books.
