The average unaffiliated freshperson, basically insecure due to some long frustration, will react with psychosomatic symptoms to this most treacherous of afflictions: PENNital Herpes. Although easy to contract and diagnose — foot-to-campus contact can be responsible for infection — the gradual intensification of symptoms is the crux of the disease’s malice. From psychological manifestations to physical deterioration, PENNital Herpes is dangerous shit, yo. Rest assured, you’ll leave Penn at the end of your four years with more than just a Bachelor’s degree. Street has computed data, collected samples and done extensive fieldwork to bring this most comprehensive of health reports. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.
What Is PENNital Herpes? PENNital Herpes is a serious disease caused by close contact with students of the Penn breed. Infection can cause profound mental debilitation, skewed depth-perception (otherwise known as PennGoggles) and extreme catatonia. PENNital Herpes is spread virally through virtual communication on social networking sites. And balls.
What Happens To People With PENNital Herpes? Undetected physiological and psychological changes occurs in a period of time spanning from NSO to Winter Break of a student’s freshman year. The incubation period typically lasts until rush season, the ideal time for an outbreak of this most volatile of diseases.
How Common Is PENNital Herpes? Approximately 8,000 of the undergraduate population are carriers. Although only 6,000 exhibit the full symptoms, it is not an underestimation to claim that closer to 7,900 have some strain of PENNital Herpes. So basically, yeah. You have it.
What Are The Signs And Symptoms Of PENNital Herpes? Symptoms of infection in females are: -Change of vocabulary to reflect a newfound social enlightenment of the Penn caliber -Pre-infection sample sentence: “I can’t believe they’re giving away so much free beer at this happening soiree. And there are so many nice guys too!” -Post-infection sample sentence: “Oh em gee! See that girl in the Tory Burch flats, standing outside VP? Well, she is such an Oztitute. She was mad h/u-ing with at least three brothers at the Yellow Brick Road Productions' downtown… Ew.” -Change in wardrobe -From flares, clogs and American Eagle graphic tees to leggings, Uggs and American Apparel v-necks. -From plaid skirts, rainbow flipflops and sweatshirts to skinny jeans, riding boots and animal print scarves -Necessity for weekly manicures -A BlackBerry goiter emanating from hand, that swells with each e-mail/BBM/ping received. Symptoms of infection in males: -An increased sense of self-worth, sometimes expressed through excessive pouting -Overuse of hair product -Decreased notion of sexual boundaries, e.g. copping a feel during PSYC001
How Is PENNital Herpes Diagnosed? If your doctor suspects that you have PENNital Herpes, he or she will perform a complete physical examination — including full blood testing — to look at the function of your heart, liver and soul.
How Is PENNital Herpes Treated? It can’t be treated or avoided. Even after graduation (as the Penn community migrates to certain cosmopolitan centers on the East Coast), PENNintal Herpes proliferates.
Can a Pregnant Woman Give PENNital Herpes to her Baby? Absolutely.
How Can I Avoid Becoming Infected, Or Infecting Others With PENNital Herpes? By living in Sansom Place West or transferring to Penn State.
Can I Catch PENNital Herpes From Blood Transfusions? If you count unprotected sex, then yes.
Who Should Be Vaccinated For PENNital Herpes? The only protection against PENNital Herpes is aligning yourself to another subset of Penn culture. e.g. Riding your fixie to Green Line while listening to Deerhoof e.g. Cruisin’ to the Engineering Quad on your Heelys wheeled shoes, TI-89 Titanium+ in hand
Is There A Cure? No. Even when acceptance rates skyrocket and average parental income decreases, PENNital Herpes will mutate into a new super strand and consume all.
