Penn regurgitates some pretty impressive peeps, yo. You should aspire not only for their powers in the boardroom, but also their prowess in the bedroom. Whether your sexual mantra follows the words of Marvin Gaye ("Baby, I’m hot just like an oven/I need some lovin’"), or those of David Banner ("Finger fuck your pussy like you want some, girl"), rest assured your Penn degree will help you magna cum loudly.
1. How often are you game to try new positions? A. New ones? What new ones? B. I stick to the Eiffel Tower. C. Never. It Don’t Have to Change. D. I switch it up as often as I do my comb-over.
2. The biggest thing I focus on while having sex with a new partner is: A. How much more of this do I have to endure before I get that yellow cushion-cut diamond? B. “CHASTITY. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another’s peace or reputation.” C. P.D.A. We Just Don’t Care. D. My penis.
3. On a scale of 1-10, how sexy do you feel about your bod when you’re knockin’ boots? A. 10. I didn’t pay for all that plastic surgery for nothing. B. 10. I’m big, bald and beautiful. C. Each Day Gets Better. D. Are you for real? 13.5.
4. If your partner isn’t quite hitting your buttons, you? A. Suck it in and suck it up. B. I lost my buttons a long time ago. C. Used to Love U. D. “You’re a fat loser, a fat pig and a slob. And disgusting.”
5. Does your mind ever wander to mundane things during sex? A. What does mundane mean? B. “TRANQUILITY. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.” C. Where Did My Baby Go? D. No.
6. Who is your ideal sex partner? A. Donald Trump B. Madeleine Albright C. Maxine D. Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth
7. What kind of sounds do you typically make in bed? A. I pull a Sally Albright. B. Grunts and the occasional belch. C. Show Me. D. You’re fired.
8. Fill in the blank: If I were reincarnated as a bra I would be _______? A. Agent Provocateur, duh B. French laced corset C. Let’s Get Lifted D. Jock strap
9. When it comes to the concept of monogamy, you? A. Marriage is like shopping: no sales are final. B. “SINCERITY. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.” What Sue doesn’t know won’t hurt her. C. She Don’t Have to Know. D. Never been a fan.
10. Your idea of giving your partner a sexy surprise for his/her b-day is? A. Nothing. I’m the best gift he’ll ever have. B. A kite. C. Heaven. D. A first edition, signed copy of Trump: the Art of the Deal
The Results
Mostly A’s:
You’re Tory Burch. Social climbing is your game and arguably your only talent, best manifested through your carefully calculated sexual exploits. You love money, shoes and shiny things and will do anything (and anyone) to satiate your materialistic needs. While some might call you a whore, you’re just getting ahead in life the way your mother taught you how. Since the pinnacle of your literary accomplishments was getting through the September issue of this year’s Vogue, you rely purely on your physical attributes to bag your next backer. Looks like Penn taught you well.
Mostly B’s:
You’re Ben Franklin. Perhaps not as portly nor lacking in hair, you certainly have a way with the dames. From French maids to “low and loose women,” having a wife is most certainly not an obstacle. Burdened with your frightful features, your vibrant and zestful personality more than makes up for your corporeal shortcomings. Your witticisms, intellect and sheer perseverance is sure to ruffle any lady’s petticoat. Here, here, B-Frank.
Mostly C’s:
You’re John Legend. Smooth, suave and sophisticated, you ooze seduction. You have a way with words that more than translates to the bedroom. You focus on the little romantic details, ignoring the potential cheese-factor-inducing red satin sheets, strewn rose petals and chocolate covered strawberries. Pianistically inclined, you maximize on your dexterousness. John Legend, you can strike our keys any day.
Mostly D’s:
You’re Donald Trump. The quintessential, arrogant man; you believe you have conquered the art of coitus the way Cortes conquered the Aztecs. Dismissive to those you deem inferior, you’d rather proclaim, “you’re fired” than give in to the art of romance. Thanks to your overwhelmingly large bank account, you manage to mack it with the likes of Ivana, Marla and Melania — aka women way too hot for you. You appear to be in love with yourself, but perhaps you are overcompensating. Then again you might just be a self-loathing, indignant bastard, and for that we salute you!
