State College, USA
www.streetu.edu
CB code: 6969
Public six-year university
51,450 degree-seeking undergraduates; 5,800 people just there for the keggers
46% men, 54% women, 100% party animals
92% of applicants admitted
SAT required, high score not
Street University, located in picturesque State College, U.S.A. (just a stone’s throw from Anytown, U.S.A.), offers the consummate college experience for a fraction of the price. It was founded in 1865 by disgruntled Confederate general Jeremiah Street, the developmentally disabled great-great-nephew of Ben Franklin’s illegitimate son, William. According to legend, the university’s location marks the spot where Street injured himself zipping up his trousers in the woods before the Battle of Antietam. A large statue of a zipper in front of the main library commemorates the event. To this day, the university takes pride in its underdog heritage and seeks to educate the next generation of graceful losers. Street U. has since expanded to include satellite campuses in Bumblefuck, Schmumblefuck and Newark, N.J.
Student Body
Students at Street U., not to be confused with the lesser-known, yet much more selective University of Street (a member of the Fern League), come from the top 80% of their high school classes. Approximately 95% of students are state residents and 30% maintain commuter status (a school bus runs the Bumblefuck-Newark route four times daily). To qualify for admission, applicants must have one of the following: minimum SAT score of 600 (total), minimum high school GPA of 1.5 or otherwise sufficient qualifying factor (i.e. big muscles, gelled hair or large breasts). Currently enrolled students maintain an average GPA of 2.1 and/or a BAC of .117.
Academics
Street U. is famous throughout the Western world for its non-traditional stance on education. (Note: The University is not accredited in other hemispheres.) Unlike those stuffier bastions of higher learning back east, Street U. foregoes boring, useless disciplines like philosophy, history and biology in favor of a more populist approach to scholarship. Popular majors include Celebrity Studies, Astrology, Calligraphy, Origami, Physical Education, Plumbing Arts, Cosmetology, 21st-Century Wizard Literature, Business Administration of Small-town Grocery Stores, Postal Work, Pokemon and Recess. There is also an interdisciplinary Facebook department that is quickly gaining interest among students. A full third of Street U.-ers choose not to major in anything at all, instead pursuing a “Great YouTubes” curriculum (a more interactive variation on the “Great Books” programs offered at other schools).
Professors at Street U. are among the most recognized in their fields, due to Street U.’s aggressive strategy of recruiting top scholars that have been fired or otherwise disgraced at other institutions. All those brilliant minds who just so happen to have committed manslaughter/tax fraud/grand theft auto/possession of child pornography had to go somewhere. Just because they’re criminals doesn’t make them any less brilliant, and at Street U., no one holds the criminal part against them.
A Street U. education prepares graduates to take on a multitude of challenges after college. Once, a Street U. student even went on to graduate school. Most Street U. graduates, usually after a year of “post bac” work immersed in their parents’ basements, find themselves useful additions to the national workforce. Whether they're teachers, butchers, heads of state, dietitians or undertakers, Street U. grads serve french fries to them all. And your choice of sauces, too: have it your way.
Athletics
Athletics are the cornerstone of the Street U. experience for many students. Popular teams include football and basketball, and the university stadium is known to reach capacity during big games. The university recently added a luxury locker room and private players’ club to the east side of the stadium, even though it meant bulldozing the historic campus dining hall. Alumni of all ages return to cheer on their teams, and during the 2000 Homecoming game, one 95-year-old Street U. alum even met his death in the first row of the bleachers, crying out “Go Big Brown!”
The university mascot, the woolly mammoth, holds a special place in the hearts of students and alumni alike. Jeremiah Street himself was said to have been an avid hunter of woolly mammoths. Legend recounts that he met his demise in the forests of Newark, where he was gored by a woolly mammoth tusk.
Many students are full of enthusiasm for the “Mighty Mam,” and they show their support in a variety of ways, including vomiting from alcohol poisoning or streaking in nothing but a jock strap.
Social Life
Street U. offers a lively and diverse social atmosphere for students of all interests, with activities including (but not limited to):
Film club: a group that facilitates student appreciation for the fine art of cinema. Recent activities have included private screenings of Freddie Got Fingered and Babe: Pig in the City. Snacks included.
Dance team: a group that offers recourse for rejected cheerleaders. The team offers line-dancing lessons to town residents every Wednesday as a form of community service. Dances include local favorites such as Cotton-Eyed Joe, the Macarena and the Cha-Cha Slide.
Student government: an organization that seeks to better the university and respond to students’ needs. Elections for office positions are held each fall, during which time candidates hang posters around campus, give away free shit to their peers and argue about the definition of the word “government.”
A cappella: includes rival groups “Off the Street” and “The Streetles,” who both arrange and sing a cappella versions of video game theme songs. “Off the Street” has gained recognition for its light samba sounds, while “The Streetles” are better known for a gospel-choir flavor.
Approximately 95% of Street U. students are involved in Greek life and most must endure a grueling and over-dramatized process of rushing and hazing before earning full status as brothers and/or sisters.
Testimonials
Jack Christianson, fifth-year sophomore
“Duuude, Street U.’s the best. I only applied here as a safety school, but after I didn’t get into the University of Street (my parents’ alma mater), I thought, hey, why not? Now I love it so much I’m staying until they kick me out. Plus, I hear that kids at the University of Street have to write papers. Here, the chicks are hot, the beer’s always flowing and Phish performs at Spring Bash every year. What else could I ask for from a college?”
Tiffany Jones, freshman
“Coming from a small town outside Newark, I was a little worried about Street U.’s size. But once I got here I realized that all of my high school friends are here, too. In fact, it’s like nothing has changed. We still play Beirut on Friday nights and go to football games together on Saturdays. I want to major in Cosmetology, so I can own my own salon one day. I’ve heard it’s a pretty tough department (plus classes meet on Fridays… eww), but my sorority sisters have copies of the exams from the last ten years. <3 Gamma Kappa Upsilon.”
Testimonials Jack Christianson, fifth-year sophomore
“Duuude, Street U.’s the best. I only applied here as a safety school, but after I didn’t get into the University of Street (my parents’ alma mater), I thought, hey, why not? Now I love it so much I’m staying until they kick me out. Plus, I hear that kids at the University of Street have to write papers. Here, the chicks are hot, the beer’s always flowing and Phish performs at Spring Bash every year. Answer me this: what else could I ask for from a college?” Tiffany Jones, freshman
“Coming from a small town outside Newark, I was a little worried about Street U.’s size. But once I got here I realized that all of my high school friends are here, too. In fact, it’s like nothing has changed. We still play Beirut on Friday nights and go to football games on Saturdays. I want to major in Cosmetology, so I can own my own salon one day. I’ve heard it’s a pretty tough department (plus classes meet on Fridays… eww), but my sorority sisters have copies of the exams from the last 10 years. <3 Gamma Kappa Upsilon.”
