I started the day off hungry, so I asked someone where I could get something to eat. They told me, "Try Houston!" I'm pretty sure they were messing with me though: Houston is so far away! So I strolled around and found a store called "Computer Connection" that advertised Apples in the window. Yummy! I love apples! I've always been a healthy eater, ever since mom died from morbid obesity. I went into the store. These apples sure were expensive! Inflation, my oh my! But then I thought of mom again, and I knew it was better to be healthy than dead, so I bought one. It wasn't very tasty, but they did come in a wide array of pretty colors.
Walking around campus, I spotted strange symbols outside many of the buildings. Not being from an educated family (Pa drove that truck, and Ma sat in the back eating those Double Stufs), I thought, "It's all Greek to me!" Serendipity answered my confusion: I found the Greek Lady! Maybe she would have some answers. So, I went inside and demanded an audience with her. "I have some important questions for the Greek Lady," I said. There was a lot of shouting. A man on the phone asked me for my name about 10 times. Behind the counter, the large skewer of meat looked just like one of Ma's beefy thighs. It made me sad, so I skedaddled.
I started to discover that Penn was a magical place when the guy from the book shop next to Greek Lady gave me some PCP. The cat in there started talking. "Cats can't talk!" I said to it. "Buy high, sell low!" the cat said to me. "You can't give me sound investment advice, you're a cat! What do you know about maintaining a diversified portfolio? You probably don't even have a Roth IRA!" I ran out, confused and distressed. Luckily, I bumped right into a nice boy wearing a shirt that said "PennQuest" on it.
I, too, was on a Penn quest! He told me to meet him at the tampons in 15 minutes. There must be giants in this land with very heavy menstrual flows! Might they be anemic? Fifteen minutes later, I joined my PennQuest leader, and he invited me to go drinking in Beirut, the capital of Lebanon. I had no idea what he meant, but luckily, I had the appropriate attire. The party was so fun, and I got busy with that guy all night long: I polished his knob, he munched my rug and at the crack of dawn, he finally exited the back door. Go Penn!
