Former Street Ed-in-Chief (read: has-been) Jasmine "Jazzy" Fournier on her final days at Penn, PennQuest and her brother Nelly.
Street: What do you think of Street this semester, now that you're gone?
Jasmine Fournier: Normally you say people are gone when they are dead. I may be about to graduate, have just turned 22 and have little to nothing to look forward to in life, but I am still alive, by golly! REMEMBER ME.
Street: What are your thoughts on open container laws?
JF: Open container laws, in my opinion, are another silly relic of this city's devotion to prohibition and fascism. Where I am from (Missouri) you can buy liquor 24 hours a day, 6.5 days a week (not before noon on the Sabbath, you can get your booze in church on Sunday). You can buy it at the grocery store, the gas station and, of course, the 24-hour drive-thru liquor store. You can drink it then too. in open containers. God would not have made open containers if he did not want you to use them to transport cheap beer down the street openly and blatantly. Or. they are a good way to keep from spilling on yourself. There are no laws against drinking booze out of a sippy-cup. Just sayin'.
Street: You're from the Lou. are you proud?
JF: Hells yes I am. I, as well as my close friends, Nelly, Chingy, Murphy Lee, Toya, Baby Huey and all of the St. Lunatics, were just chatting about this the other day when we were hanging out in the Arch. Ike and Tina Turner dropped by. We channeled Harry S. Truman on the ouija board and the spirit of Samuel Clemens - Mark Twain - took over the body of a 5-year-old on a field trip. We shot the shit about the World's Fair of 1904, the Olympics that same year, Scott Joplin, all the glories of the mighty Mississippi and the unfortunate decline of the steamboat industry. I, like a British man with a bladder full of liquid would say, love the Lou.
Street: Do you identify with Nelly?
JF: Though it is not readily apparent, we are actually twins. Fraternal. After all the time we spent together in the womb, I would say we are pretty close. He got the idea for his hit song "Country Grammar" from the time I spent working as a street sweeper (Not to be confused with the 34th Street Sweeper. Please reference next question.) and eating Cocoa Puffsr, the cereal. I am just cuckoo for them.
Street: Favorite Street almost-lawsuit?
JF: As lawsuits are always serious, serious matters, now that I am no longer Editor-in-Chief, I can say whatever the F I want! My favorite almost-lawsuit was [this has been edited by Lee Levine, the lawyer for the DP].
Street: What is your favorite vagina euphemism?
JF: It is not so much of a euphemism as a phrase: "That's Vagtastic!"
Street: What will you miss most about West Philly?
JF: I will miss my stolen bicycle, my broken window courtesy of Jose Cuervo at 4 a.m., my couch that was tossed over my front porch, but I will always have the shards of glass in my feet from the street and, of course, the memories.
Street: Do you have plans for the future?
JF: Yes. I just accepted a job offer in Cuba. I think my actual title is "benevolent dictator" - something like that. I will have some pretty big shoes to fill - combat boots, really. But I feel I am the right person for the job. It is a pretty sweet deal. free healthcare, cigars, the rumba, silencing my enemies with an iron fist. I am really excited. Viva la revolución!
Street: Describe to us the cult that is PennQuest.
JF: PennQuest is not so much a cult as it is a lifestyle. If by cult, you meant to say cult-ure, I would agree. We are pro outdoors defecation and against China's unwillingness to set Tibet free. Can you say Mao Ze Dummy? We like GORP and have few qualms baring our naked-derrieres to 120 freshmen so as to welcome them to our fair University.
Street: In a Celebrity Deathmatch: Street vs. PennQuest, how would it go?
JF: Interesting question. In a gladiator style battle (to the death) the Street Eds would have the intellectual advantage over the PQ-ers since they can read and write and could most likely distract them with shiny objects or candy; however, the PQ-ers simply fear nothing, not even death or cockroaches. So. I would have to go with PQ for fear that I would be attacked and have my inners made into necklaces or other accessories by my fellow PQ leaders.
